Preyed on by a Sociopath

What really happened between myself & YidwithLid (2002-2004), Clearing the Smear Campaign and information about dealing with Sociopaths, Narcissists & Predators


Got a note this page has been copied and pasted places in order to harass and stalk me as well as to ‘inform’ my estranged husband. Too late. He knows, we all know and the truth is known by him, myself and the authorities. Yes, the ‘authorities.’ Law firms, police, fraud department of police, computer intelligence unit of the police – they investigated me. They have ALL seen my computer, my finances and the upshot? You’re all a bunch of wackos! You seem to believe what you want to hear (from people who are proven liars) rather than what IS.  I’m not reading what you post anywhere, I’m not responding, I do not care.  Think what you like, I have moved on – waaaay on, years ago.  Other people sent me your nonsense and while they meant well I asked them to stop.   So party on with your cray-cray… it seems to be keeping you all busy.

tell my story

Here it is.  The truth.  My truth.  And truth you can check.  Don’t believe me, believe what your gut – your common sense – and what you know about me tells you.

I married someone I loved, liked and had been living with for 2 years.  I was never a big fan of marriage but I didn’t see myself with anyone but him.  He convinced me he felt the same.  I spent years married to him and all of that time trying to have children with him. I excused the annoyances, the put downs, the criticism, the snide remarks. I tried very hard to make him happy though it seems he never is.  Got counseling for myself because I assumed I was the problem.  Tried getting him to counseling.  After about 7-8 years things slowly but surely get strange.  Emotionally intimacy starts to disappear.  He actually starts BELIEVING his psychopath mother until you point out how messed up her accusations are.  He gets distant.  He refuses to initiate sex.  Men hit on you right in front of him and he seems oblivious to it.  You don’t understand – your marriage is like a ‘through the looking glass’ show.

You finally have the children you wanted so much (and he said he wanted) and the disability you’ve been struggling with for a couple years gets worse. You no longer have many friends, you can’t go out, your husband goes to work and then out for hours at a time. And leaves you alone. With 2 children. While you are sick.  He makes fun of you being sick.  Accuses you of faking it despite doctors talking to him about how seriously ill you are.  He steps over you when you need to crawl on your hands & knees to the bathroom.  A female friend has to help you shower.  He helps with the children but makes you PAY emotionally and with verbal abuse when he does.  Even his ‘friends’ notice the way he treats you. Your career was slowly put-down, made fun of and chipped away at.  He even got your narcissistic mother to help him. 

You find out years later he was deeply jealous of your acting career and your success; he’d wanted to be an actor and fell flat on his face. But that’s not the worst of it. He no longer wants to have sex. Not intimacy – I mean S E X. At all. You stopped initiating. You noticed years ago he refused to initiate but he promised it would change after all the scheduled sex for infertility, etc. But it doesn’t. You are sharing a bed with a virtual stranger.  He doesn’t want to be hugged, kissed, touched in any way.  He’s the ICE MAN. 

Everyone notices how odd he is about being affectionate.  Who is that guy? You wake up in the morning clinging to the side of the bed where you have almost been shoved off. You are told to go sleep on the couch now because your disability makes you sweat. You sleep on the floor of your children’s rooms to be there for them so he can sleep and go to work. He tells you he resents that you can’t work anymore and he’s the bread winner. He feels “put upon.”

You confront him about the no sex. He looks at you like a deer in headlights. You ask repeatedly what he wants – anything – another woman, another man, toys, porn… anything. And he avoids. He refuses therapy and projects it all back on you. If it wasn’t for your kids you’d want to die. You can’t work anymore and now you feel like nothing. No love. No sex. Nothing but blame and anger. Nothing. But the verbal and emotional abuse continues. You finally realize you are being abused through therapy and cold hard thought. You try to get him to therapy again. No dice. You are too physically ill to fight and too broke to up and leave just then. You love being a mother to your kids but your marriage is dead.  And you know it.

ONE DAY… Then, one day, you get an email from an old friend. Someone you haven’t talked to in over 20 years. Someone actually remembers you! It’s very nice to catch up. You want to meet his family, have him meet yours.

He’s very sweet even though you remember he wasn’t always very nice to you in the past.  He brushes it off to youth, stupidity.  He even apologizes.  But, in just a couple weeks, this old friend brings up that you & he slept together back in the day. He “says” you deflowered him. You have no idea and don’t quite believe him. You laugh. He asks you about your marriage after telling you his is stone cold and he doesn’t love his wife anymore – and hasn’t for a long time. You have a sympathetic ear and no reason to be suspicious of him. 

You don’t realize he’s making his wife suffer from HIS “Madonna/Whore Syndrome” (common in pathologicals) You tell him what’s going on. No reason not to trust him after he’d shared his marital woes with you.  And you know this person – you know he’s o.k. Right?  It’s only too late that you realize you were being profiled. Then every conversation with him turns to how much he “liked” you and making you feel guilty for not “liking” him back. You try to tell him it wasn’t that way – it was the other way around. He never called you or dated you – you just slept together. 

In fact, you remember him telling people – in front of you – loudly – that he would NEVER EVER date a non-Jewish girl. You also send him pictures of yourself and tell him how much weight from surgeries and medication you’ve gained.  He can plainly see.  You tell him this MULTIPLE times when you chat in the future too.  MULTIPLE.  He’s well aware of what you look like now and says he cares for “you, not your body” and how “beautiful you are on the inside.”

bad relationship Pictures, Images and Photos

You remember that in the fall of 1976 – you were in his & his roommate’s dorm room with some other people.  The roommate leans over to him and asks “did you ever sleep with her (you)?”  You’re on the other side of the room so you don’t look over but you do listen. YWL’s response? “Oh her??? I would NEVER sleep with her!”  You remember vividly you felt so sick you had to make an excuse and quietly leave the room.  The first time you had sex with him you bled all over him.  He never calls or sees you to find out if you’re o.k. after that night.  You end up at the Student Health Center being told that you have internal bruising from him.  (You find out later he TOLD people and ASSUMED you were a virgin!  Heck no, you had a long term boyfriend in high school with whom you were intimate.  But he brags how he deflowered you to some and lies about it to others – saying THAT is now the reason you’re “obsessed” with him!  Heck if he hadn’t looked you up on you would NEVER have given this guy a 2nd thought!) You’re mortified and glad it was just a couple times you slept with him.  You’re glad the sex was so textbook and nothing special.  And you’re glad you never told him about the abortion you had for him in the summer of 1976 – just a couple months before this comment.

He asks about his old roommate – whom you dated for a while as well.  He’d PUSHED you to the roommate before he split for another university (and you never heard from him again).  You tell him you learned just before undergrad graduation that this guy was stalking you and obsessed with you.  You tell your old friend that he’d tried to kill you, sent you to the hospital and now believe he was psychopathic.  YWL seems unphased.

He asks about your acting career (he wanted to be an actor too) – which you had to give up after being diagnosed as permanently disabled.  You tell him you never wanted to be famous but you did make money at it and you had a nice little career you were proud of.  He abruptly changes the subject.  (Missed this Red Flag despite how odd it was)

Now he waxes poetic about how nice you are, what a good person, probably a good mother and how loving the sex was. You are shocked he remembers anything at all. He throws in just enough details so you think maybe he does remember and you don’t. He declares multiple times that he still has feelings for you and always had.  He blows off his prior hurtful comments as wanting to be “macho” and being young & stupid. He listens to you, asks about your health, asks about your feelings and draws you out – you are so relieved. Finally, you think, someone who listens and cares. 

He tells you he “wishes he was more honest that he felt this way about you back in college.” But he said he’d never date a non-Jew.  And his wife is Jewish so that proves it.  You start to try to get him to get marriage counseling, help or something to save his marriage.  However, you’re so bowled over & in shock about his ‘feelings’ all the other stuff slides insidiously into your psyche.

Before you know it, one day, out of the blue, your ‘old friend’ initiates cybersex.  Something makes you go along. Don’t know why, you just do and feel odd about it.   Next thing you know you do it again with him.  You feel confused and woozy.  You can’t even control yourself doing it.  Something inside you snapped and you’re not in control. Oddly, he only calls you on the phone 3 times in 2 years – twice for phone sex. Never ever just a ‘hi’ how are you call. He says he “CAN’T call” you – that he couldn’t “control” himself around you if he saw you or called. He tells you this more times than you can count.

Now, if you get sick, he goes from concern to ‘could care less.’ In fact, he gives you the vibe your illness somehow ‘inconvenienced’ him. But you blow it off – like you blew off all the abuse you’d been getting in your marriage for all those years and from your Narcissistic mother since childhood. It was good practice at denial. You go away for a month out of the country and Mr. “I have feelings for you” and “I can’t control myself” seems to care less.  But he IMs you while you are away for more cybersex.  He tells you an affair might help both of you with your “bad marriages.”  You remind him you’re separated and continue trying to get him to talk to his wife & work things out.

One night he spends 2 hours online with you telling you how he HAS to be with you sexually. Just once. He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it happen but he needs you desperately.

You can’t believe it. You tell him to slow down. How about lunch? A drink? You have kids. You want to meet his family. This isn’t right. And you don’t do “just once.” In fact, you aren’t sure you want to continue. You say no, tell him it’s immoral and beg him to go for counseling even offering to find a counselor for him and even his wife. He pleads a few more times for you to sleep with him and seems very upset that you said “No.”  He keeps up the pressure and you have zero emotional fortitude to withstand it after years of abuse.  

You introduce him to your best friend, who is young enough to be your daughter.  She’s Jewish too and they chat.  You find out later he tries to get sexual with her a number of times.  He even tries to talk you into having sex with her and letting him watch!!! Then he swears it was all a joke when you stop talking to him. When you express horror, he reels you back in with more promises, excuses, and apologies.

You turn his pleas over and over in your head. And something inside you snaps again. You don’t really have inner strength to say no after all those years of abuse and abandonment. You reluctantly say O.K. to the ongoing cybersex but still hedge on the real sex. You’d rather have a normal friendship but somehow he turns every online chat turns to sex. You can’t think straight, sleep is illusive, you don’t eat – you feel like you were run down by a love train.  You’re not yourself, you’re hypnotized and feel like a puppet.  But you can’t tune him out somehow. You remember how much you liked him and how he blew you off but he ‘explains’ it all away. You fall like you did over 25 years before.

Then your husband finds out. Your husband’s been hacking your computer and passively aggressively emails you & YWL. What does YWL do? Disappeared for 5 weeks leaving you to take beatings, verbally & physically, from your husband. Doesn’t want to talk about it with you.  Discuss it.  Help you figure out what to do.  Nothing.  You don’t even see that as a red flag now. When your ‘sympathetic ear’ does come back online – he’s ANGRY that you & your husband are going to counseling and have decided to separate.  (Looking back this horrifies and terrifies me.  I remember feeling like a puppet on a string.  I was an emotional mess.)

And all those “I have to have you” feelings? Gone. Poof. You ask the old friend who you have been baring your soul to and he gives no answer. When you ask him again – he disappears offline for a few days.  He seems to have snapped off his feeling like a light switch. Weeks later you chat with him as ‘just friends’ for over a year but he still refuses to introduce you to his family or meet yours.  During chats and emails he throws in non-stop sexual innuendo.

The one time you pressure him to finally to just have lunch with you he acts oddly – as if you’re an annoyance to be near. But you let him skate because you were raised by a Narcissist and still have a problem knowing the difference between abuse and normal behavior.  (more on this lunch later…)  You’ve got energy invested here too.  You keep trying to get him to go to counseling.  He goes but only to get drugs.

You even stop talking to him about four times and each time within a week or so – he’s BEGGING you to keep talking to him. And he’s gone from suggesting you get together to ‘make love’ to using the term ‘fuck’ for anything sex related.  Slowly but surely ‘come’ becomes ‘cum’, ‘breasts’ are referred to as ‘tits’ and Mr. So-Polite even calls a woman’s private parts as ‘pussy’ to you.  You make mental note of it as he becomes more crude… and cruel.  Does he even know who he’s talking to?

And your husband has been abusing you daily – because of ‘YWL.‘  (However, there’s moving out and apart from each other now… because your neighbor is calling 911 when you’re pushed around or hit and she finds out.)

A few months into this one day you are online with him and a female friend of yours who doesn’t live far from him. You mention to him you are chatting to her too. He then IMs her (who he doesn’t know or ever been introduced to!) some very suggestive things. She is furious, blocks him and tells you he’s a creep. You tell her she over-reacted, he’s a joker.

A couple weeks later a family member who’s interested in politics comes to visit.  She asks if she can chat with him and asks him some questions.  He’s completely dismissive, arrogant and rude to her.  You don’t understand who this person is.  (It isn’t until after this whole thing is over you find out he’s a raging right-winger… he keeps that from you while he’s got you in his thrall)

He gets you online a couple of times and tells you all about his ex-fiance, going into filthy, lurid detail about their sex romps. You have the typical abused person’s freeze response.  You get off and feel sick & dirty.  He even tells you about when he and his wife have sex!  You let him know that’s over the line.  He admits that he is “sick sick sick” and “needs help” but then he gets mad at you and projects it all back on you.

Over the next few months you see him online but not even saying hi to you, like you aren’t even there – when you IM him he freaks out and tells you never to do that again.  But hee doesn’t even block you… the whole thing is becoming torturous but you feel powerless to break away while you’re finally moving to your new home.  He’s changed just like your ex-husband did and you feel on the outside of some horrible joke.

This torture goes on & off for months.

Second-guessing: Because we have had our self-esteem eroded by the continuos gaslighting, we can live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making our situations even more chaotic for ourselves. We inevitably find ourselves asking “what if”, and always trying to second guess ourselves. This often effects how we problem-solve, and make decisions in our lives including allowing the narcissist back into our world… Time after time even when we know what they truly are. What they have done to us is why we allow them back even when our brain is telling us no. Gaslighting is nothing less than a form of brainwashing.

One evening, 21 months after your ‘old friend‘ looks you up and involves you in this online affair,March 2004 you get a call from a new friend of yours. 

She tells you YWL’s been planning a full blown affair with her; she lives on the West coast; using his work resources! She’s another severely abused, lonely and depressed woman who misses Red Flags all the time.  She’s also married to an abuser.

And the kicker?  you introduced her to him.

 She tells you he’s emailing, calling her 2-4 times per day, offering gifts, money and has used a business trip to a city near her to start the physical affair. Using the hotel paid for by his employer as the place. He tells her he “LOVES her” and she’s his “SOULMATE.” No, they have never met in person.  Your friend admits she’s a “cougar” and that she shaved 10 years off her real age, and is much older than she told him she was. And, bizarrely – he’s told her things about his ‘history’ that never ever happened to him – they happened to YOU.  Yes, he’d taken my personal history and incorporated it into his lures with her. Sickening. (Psychologically known as Projective Identification)  Apparently he found your painful history so interesting he made it HIS OWN to BOOST HIS CREDIBILITY!

in doing this, the narcissist isn’t attacking your faults and shortcomings: she is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently, when she is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows she shoots never hit one of that person’s real flaws. The result is something like Dr. Frankenstein accomplished with body parts. A chimera.

The narcissist’s false image contains the virtuous qualities in other people’s characters, and their images have had those virtuous qualities replaced with the flaws in the narcissist’s character. In other words, the narcissist steals your virtues and dumps on you her faults. In doing so, the narcissist is stealing your identity, pulling an identity switch with you, piecemeal. It’s a kind of magic, an illusion created with nothing but words, which can warp perceptions by making anything of anything.

For example, let’s say that the narcissist is stingy and that one of your virtues is that you are outstanding for your generosity. She hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves as foil to her stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So she muddies your image and glorifies her image by misappropriating your generosity to herself and misappropriating her stinginess to you.

But the reason for her call?  Is that YWL tells her things about you that are mind-boggling in their nasty, false, twisted intent… with the added caveat for her NOT to speak to you ever because YOU are supposedly “obsessed” with him and you will “ruin their love.”  She’s confused because she what she knows about you doesn’t square with what YWL is feeding her.  WTF???? 

By the way, he uses the EXACT SAME come-on lines and the EXACT same cybersex scenarios with her. This girlfriend of yours even sends you a short homemade “movie” he made of himself. That shocked her so much she’s already sent it to the FBI.

You spend almost 3 days not sleeping and puking into the drain in your garden so your kids won’t hear or smell. You don’t eat. You call your therapist and she tells you about emotional rape. You and this other woman decide that its time to tell his wife what he’s doing. NOT as revenge but — because it should have been done a long time ago. You had kept your husband from going to his wife before – now she should know what he’s doing.  Her family may be in danger.

You’re in deep shock. You can’t believe this is the same person you’ve known all this time. All the red flags come flooding back. You wonder if what he’s told you about his wife is even true, since he lied so outrageously about you. And you worry about his kids and what he’s doing locked in his home office online all the time.

YWL” finally calls you on the phone and tries to talk to you. He tries to lie more. He tries to keep you from telling his wife. He tells you you “mean too much to him” and he doesn’t “want to lose you out of his life.” He even tries to tell you he has “feelings” for you. You tell him how you feel; it pours out of your mouth like one long scream and you tell him you are going to make him stop hurting other people like his wife and even himself. He abruptly hangs up on you and you go puke out in your garden some more. You know he was lying. Trying to reel you back in. 

Why? Because a few days earlier, your friend he was planning the affair with, the one he supposedly loved? She lets you hear a conversation where he told her that he’d “NEVER LOVED YOU! NEVER!” and that you are a “scorned & obsessed woman.” You heard him say it.  Heard him. You tell your friend to please go be with him because you genuinely want him to be happy.  You have been saying NO to an affair and begging him to get counseling anyway. 

But your friend does a little investigating on her own and calls you back to tell you – he’s been lying to her too. Now you really need to tell his wife because destructive lying seems to be a way of life for him and you know he went through a 10 month unemployment where his wife was paying his bills for him.

So HE was the user and abuser in the marriage, not the wife. The wife deserves to know. You apologize, IN WRITING, to his poor wife the 3 times you need to send her everything and include your phone number – just in case.

When he finds out you told his wife, he threatens you. Threatens to help your now estranged husband, take your precious children away.

You know he’s lied to the wife about you and done major damage control/spin-doctoring.

But the threat sends you to your precinct’s domestic violence officer – who sends you to Computer Crimes. By the time you get to Computer Crimes its been over a week. You are barely sleeping. In the meantime this “old friend” has sent you AND your friend an apology. Together. Both of you. Like a bad chain letter.  (I posted it in another post on this site)

  • Mentions himself numerous times and admits NOTHING he did to you, your marriage or your friends. 
  • Takes no responsibility. 
  • Tries to play martyr and twist everything. 

And not only does he misspell your last name in a lewd manner, you are so deeply traumatized and all the feelings from your childhood of being abandoned and self-destructive surface. Your doctor puts you in the hospital over night for the non-stop vomiting and fainting. You leave after being treated, put on heavy sedatives. You go home to the children and angry estranged husband who blames you for everything. You feel like garbage. You somehow get to that appointment with Computer Crimes.  What was a personal shock becomes a virtual nuclear explosion. Your ‘old friend’s’ online activities are found in just a few minutes. What’s there?

  • – loads of porn, loads – some interactive (with corroborating credit cards)
  • salicious, filth-laden postings about hookers he’s seen on his lunch hour – starting at least TWO YEARS before he even looked you up! These postings are detailed and objectifying. Some of the most disgusting things you have ever read. And some WORD FOR WORD things he said to you during cybersex.
  • – credit cards traced to phone sex lines and 1-900 lines going back going back at least four years (1999!) BEFORE he looked you up. (some where he tried to give a fake name but his credit card undoes that)  That “rough patch” he says he had in his marriage had been going on for FOUR YEARS prior to him looking you up!  Talk about MINIMIZING!

You tell them you’d asked him repeatedly if he’d ever seen a hooker and he told you no. Lie number one. Big lie.

The victim’s assistance officer takes you to the bathroom to puke some more. The detectives tell you this has added damning information to a small investigation on 2 local brothels that they are investigating. They probably won’t do much about him – small potatoes.  They tell you they can’t confirm or deny anything to anyone as this is all too sensitive.

6. The Narcissist In Love Pictures, Images and Photos

You leave and go home. New information in hand. You let ‘old friend‘ YWL know what you now know.

Then detectives call and tell you – YWL’s been ‘frantically cleaning his tracks.’ Majority of his postings suddenly “disappear” – confirming it WAS him in the first place.

His credit cards get ditched and new ones are gotten, they say.

The friend he was preying on tells you he’d dumped his cell phone.

The detectives laugh about him ‘destroying evidence.’ They show you how nothing ever dies on the internet.  They are already tracking everything. You feel sick.

The truth – when twisted by good liars, can always make an innocent person look bad – especially if the innocent person is honest and admits his mistakes.

Psychopaths just have what it takes to defraud and bilk others: they can be fast talkers, they can be charming, they can be self-assured and at ease in social situations; they are cool under pressure, unfazed by the possibility of being found out, and totally ruthless.

And even when they are exposed, they can carry on as if nothing has happened, often making their accusers the targets of accusations of being victimized by THEM.

…Psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful.

Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to be a “good wife.” She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to “try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him.” She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

The fact is, such a woman, with her fierce commitment to such a man, her dedication to being a proper wife, has allowed such fairy tales to distort her sense of reality. The reality is that she is doomed to a lifetime of abuse and disappointment until “death do us part.”

your lips move


Five months later another friend of yours, in the middle of a divorce (remember, the one who lives near him & blocked him after getting some lurid IMs from him?) – calls you. Guess who just put HER on his mailing list for his NEW BLOG!  

She tells you that he must have gotten access to your IM list because back when he was just starting on you, he IM’d her – out of the blue – said he was a friend of yours and then proceeded to post LEWD comments to her & she blocked him.  She did save the chat and sends it off to the Police as well. (BTW – YWL now accuses her of trying to HARASS him on your behalf. Which she never did and WOULD never do! Always the martyr that YWL) The detectives are told.

Your email is watched. You destroy your computer and wait a few months to save up for a new one.

A few months after that, the moderator of an online support group you belong to tells you (since they have already ask for the ‘old friend’s’ IP, etc) that he’s coming frequently to the group. Reading all your posts. All your pain. All your distorted thoughts and agony. They make sure to give you proof. You install a hit counter on your blog even find him coming to your personal blog every Saturday night for weeks before you confront him online. Nothing happens. You become reclusive and don’t go out or make any new friends (JUST friends) online for a couple years.

A  tech friend tells you YWL “borrowed” the source code for your blog’s template.  He’s got proof but you let it slide.  It’s just silly at this point.  YWL had told you he’d NEVER have a blog and wanted his own server.  Now’s he’s got a blog, a new nickname – YidwithLid – and even a new identity – Sammy Benoit.  He NEVER took a break from the computer as he told you in his “apology.” He’s right back at it.

YWL and his wife get a buddy of theirs, a detective from their local precinct – to call and hassle you and threaten to arrest you.  They’ve given him SELECTIVE information.  The guy not only doesn’t know you’re disabled but he didn’t even know you were in the hospital three times – times when they accused you of stalking them!   Once you present him with the truth, he stops calling.

Time goes by, you’ve been in a clinic for the PTSD, come home and moved forward with your life.  One day you happen to be in this ‘old friend’s’ “online territory.” You have no idea he’s even there when you sign up but there you are.

He’s never called, never really apologized. Never made any attempt to put things right to you. You’ve been in counseling for PTSD and other issues now fairly intensively.

You’re on anxiety medication. You’ve gotten some of your ‘self’ back and are out of the marriage (estranged).

You feel at least strong enough to voice your opinions and do so online, thereby crossing into ‘his space.’ You try to maintain cordial distance. And because he feels you are in his “territory” he posts a very whitewashed version of what happened. Leaving out all the hookers & porn, etc that he’s sure he’s erased. (You will have to read it to see how he paints yours truly.)

The most stunning element of his story is he makes his luring and manipulating you into an online affair, destroying any goodwill that was left in your marriage MORALLY EQUIVALENT to everything he’s done. He also doesn’t admit to anything but the online affair (which he now calls a ‘game’ in which supposedly ‘you participated knowing that it was just a game’) which would make anyone he’s smeared you to believe that it was MORALLY EQUIVALENT.

Suddenly YOU are the bad one. You are just as bad.


  • You didn’t see hookers.
  • You weren’t using porn or phone sex.
  • You weren’t posting about your lunchtime frolics with hookers on a ‘review board.’
  • You didn’t have personal ads for having casual sex and swinger parties online since 2000.
  • You weren’t coming on to everyone you met online, or stealing off your friends’ buddy lists.

You had an online affair with someone you really cared about because he’d led you to believe that he cared very deeply for you in the SAME WAY and it was the ONLY SAFE WAY TO BE WITH HIM WITHOUT ANYONE GETTING HURT.

And you’d known him for years! You’d NEVER had cybersex before ever… believe me, never will again.

YWL lies to his ‘new’ friends under his ‘new’ identity about you. Incredible lies. Added in is the caveat, again, ‘not to speak to’ you about it because YOU ‘are the liar.’

You’re maligned in so many ways you lose count, as your friends tell you what he’s saying about you. He posts your IP online.  He sends threatening letters to others thinking they are you.

You try to ignore it. People you & he might both know? Are told not to speak to you, not to believe you or even post your comments on their websites.

He never admits his sex addiction.

You are blamed for ‘driving his mother to a heart attackthough you have no idea what that somehow was, or what was done.  You don’t even know her address or where she lives. No proof is offered other than HIS word.

You are blamed for things there was no physical way you could have done unless you can bilocate, be in 2 places at the same time, be invisible and fly. Your friends are blamed for doing things on your behalf. Things which you have NO IDEA and NO CONTROL over.

He says when he found out you are fat now he said he “couldn’t do this to his wife.”  Of course he had no problems ‘doing that to his wife’ with hookers, phone sex, etc. with anonymous women.  (goodness knows what germs he brought home!  Condoms don’t cover everything!)



The only, yes the ONLY reason this person even BOTHERED to look you and others up? Was because you had sex a couple times over 25 years ago, back in college.  The ONLY reason.

Since he was unemployed at the time he USED & PLAYED your emotions to make you brainwashed & bonded to him so you’d have sex with him again. Online and hopefully, OFFLINE. He couldn’t afford his hookers. He wanted his lunchtime fun back. He traded on his charisma and your feelings for him as well as you being TOO ABUSED & LONELY TO SEE WHAT HE WAS REALLY AFTER.  A freebie.

Twisted use of your friendship: Turns out ‘old friend’ had online postings out there AT LEAST 2 YEARS PRIOR TO GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOU for casual sex partners. Here’s just a couple of what’s out there (if he hasn’t found some way to try to delete them. He’s even trying to blame you for “planting them” – ROFL!!  And don’t worry, a number of parties have screen shots): 

(UtopiaGuide confirmed to NYPD that YWL – his IP validated – removed all his posts.  However they, my attorney, my estranged husband’s attorney and my trauma counselors have validated, unaltered copies)

When those ads didn’t pan out, he went on the hunt and found YOU. So what was he LOOKING FOR? A freebie. Abused & lonely YOU. And played you like a fiddle. When your abusive husband found out you became a mere inconvenience – so he went to YOUR FRIENDS. Why not? You’d already done some great P.R. for him. You were his calling card. You — the supposedly ‘obsessed & lovesick’ woman. (sound familiar fellow survivors?)

How’s that for being USED?

That’s not even all! You realize he actually got PISSED AT YOU that your abusive husband hacked your blog and found out. He BLAMED you for that.

Then, he went to YOUR FRIENDS for his added sexual outlets. Trading on YOUR GOOD WORDS ABOUT HIM. But also, to hurt you. To hurt you for YOU being hacked!  For inconveniencing him.

YWL’s also FURIOUS that I, my attorney, my estranged husband, his attorney, the police in 3 counties and the FBI have VERIFIED COPIES OF ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHAT I HAD WITH HIM and his HOOKER POSTINGs and his CASUAL SEX  WANTED ADS… so he can lie, reformat his hard drive, change his online identity, dump his cell phone, get new laptops, revise history and scrub the net all he wants – the truth traces right back to him & his computer.

The ONLY reason he looked you up: was to turn you into a FREE WHORE for him.

The person you offered to help find marriage counseling for he & his wife or find help for his problems,

the person you’d wasted time and energy on,

the friend you’d poured your heart out too?


How dare you turn out to be a real person with feelings.

How dare you say ‘OUCH YOU HURT ME’

How dare you stand up about having your character shredded

How dare you intrude on his ‘reality’ and his story of being YOUR ‘victim.’

How dare you – tell the truth.

What happened to your friend? That’s really all you wanted. Your friend.  But he never existed.

What did you do to deserve being treated like this in the first place? Are you really that useless? That someone looked you up for the just sex – after 27 years? You were just free cybersex for this person. You weren’t worth a phone call, a hello, nothing.

However, you have been taking verbal & physical abuse BECAUSE of him. You are now on medication for trauma. You rarely leave your house. And yet, you meant NOTHING to him – not even worth an apology to your face. Just hate & attack – attack – attack.  And to this day – he has NOT GIVEN UP LYING ABOUT ME.

“Instead of repenting, they project”

You finally decide to turn the energy you have left after dealing with your disability and your beloved children to helping other women know that they are not alone and to help them on the path to healing from men like this.

This is long but the gory details and links are here on this site.

I only told my story to ONE OTHER SITE, at the requests of Mrs. Green,  in 2005 before I was forced to make this blog to keep the truth & facts out there as an answer to this predator’s revisionist history, projection, blame-shifting and spin.



YWL did this… reminding me I was ‘still married’ – of course LEAVING OUT that he’d been seeing hookers, doing phone sex. posting on internet hooker-review boards and preying on vulnerable women WHILE HE WAS MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS.  He skipped that I’d been estranged for some time while he was NOT.  He tried very hard to project ‘moral outrage’ onto me while continuing his FACADE of being a religious, married man.  He’s still trying I’d bet… While there’s no way I actively want to harm his wife or his children (as much as he keeps ‘saying’ that’s what I want) –  there’s no way I will ever buy his lies or stop telling the truth.


from positivagirl:

All sociopaths will at some point or another  display a sense of moral outrage. This is displayed, as fake often over the top outrage about something that they consider very ‘immoral’. This gives the sense and belief to the outsider that the sociopath is a good guy/gal. The audience receives the message of a moralistic person who is honest, and truthful, a good person. Of course, this is just an illusion and the reality is nothing like the act that is now being played on stage.


I often get comments on this site displaying moral outrage from sociopaths. It is a ‘how dare you’ display of rage, that fights for truth and justice. Which is kind of ironic considering they are the most dishonest people  on the planet, and become so twisted in their web of deceit that they do not know what the truth is.  Comments are all over the site, but especially so, on the I LOVE YOU post. Sociopaths hate that post for some reason, so with this in mind, before I generate yet more moral outrage, I agree that yes, you can love, but your definition of love, is really not the same as mine! :)

What is the purpose of sociopath moral outrage and what does it achieve?

Sociopaths can display moral outrage about lots of different things:

  • Standards of other people;
  • Items that are in the news, politics and current affairs;  (YWL’s Zionism is his way of appearing altruistic)
  • Anything that is a sense of ‘injustice’;  (YWL’s Zionism is his way of appearing righteous)
  • Anything that they can point out to be just ‘morally wrong’  (YWL’s complete cover up of his predatory nature)

I was with the sociopath in my life for three years. When I first met him, he was full blown, go to town displaying moral outrage. He continued to do this throughout the relationship. Usually when he was displaying moral outrage about whatever, he was also being manipulative and deceitful, and trying to steer attention onto something else. Moral outrage achieves the following for the sociopath:

  • Takes attention from their own actions (deflection)
  • Reflects them in a good or different light to who they really are
  • Makes them appear stronger than they actually are
  • Diversion tactics
  • Attention seeking behaviour
  • Makes you feel that you should also feel this way, and if you don’t then you must be ‘bad’ (another mind control and brain washing technique)
  • Dupers delight and the joy of conning
  • Is part of the mask of disguise

Over the years, I witnessed this moral outrage many many times. Always it was fake. I remember in the early days we were out in  a pub and a young mother was sat on a chair, almost in tears about the actions of her ex, she was upset, staring at her phone talking out loud texting her ex. He looked at her in sympathy and said to me with concerned eyes:

It’s terrible how some guys treat women and the impact on the mother and also the children. Makes me sick how men can do this to someone, she doesn’t deserve it

This was in the very early days of our relationship, I was too trusting and blind. Telling me this information was a great deflection technique and I have no doubt that he got great dupers delight from my reaction that he was a great guy. I told myself how lucky I was that I didn’t have a man like that. I shouldn’t laugh about it, but today I can as at that moment in time, the man that I thought was a good honest man, a good father, hardworking, was anything but….. His moral outrage was a perfect ‘cover mask’. The truth is, that at the time he was duping and conning me. He was:

  •  lying about his ex dying of cancer
  • Faking he had a job
  • Stealing from me
  • Faking he was a good father
  • Deliberately presenting a false image and living fully behind the mask

This is all part of the games that sociopaths play. Being without emotion they get bored, and so they get off on duping and conning the victim, misleading, derailing, and psychological abuse. This makes them feel superior, as internally in reality they are very insecure, like the child age that they are stuck at.

Feigning moral outrage, mirrors the behaviour of decent honest people

I would imagine how often that you experienced moral outrage, would really depend on the sociopaths initial assessment of YOU. With me, I was at the time still working with homeless people. I was offering support to women who had experienced stillbirth. I was fighting a legal case – for no other reason than for a sense of justice trying to prevent what was happening to me, happen to someone else.

I was therefore a good candidate for moral outrage rants and outbursts, as he had already assessed me and knew that justice and equality was important to me.

The sociopaths sense of moral outrage is always over the top. You look at them surprised, when these outbursts come, and think why do you care so much?

The  truth is that they don’t care. It’s all part of the game that they play.

The last time that I experienced a moral outrage rant, was after we had split. We were no longer together, and had been split for a while, at least six weeks. I knew that he was already dating, and using online dating sites. Although he thought he was clever and keeping it hidden, I knew and had enough, so I put my own dating profile online. Psychologically it was my way of moving on. Something that I hadn’t done in three years of knowing him. Well, that REALLY KICKED OFF.

Now this is the absolute hypocrisy of the sociopath. They have a sense of one upmanship and do not like it if you do what they are doing. It is quite odd, bizarre and particularly crazy. They like getting one over on you.

He was outraged the day that he saw my profile. After pretending that his friend had seen my profile (he couldn’t admit that he was on there himself) later that day he went to my local pub, told  that I was cheating on him (look at my profile, he showed the barman who knew us both when were together – and probably didn’t know we had split). Giving the illusion that the reason we split was because I had cheated on him. The truth already on a the dating site and had been probably for months, he was dating other women…. typical sociopath double standards. He turned up outside my house three times that day. Shouting and yelling

You’re mine, you belong to me, you slut you whore. I loved you, you cheated on me.

Of course, I was embarrassed. I felt humiliated and degraded. He didn’t care. The final time he showed up shouting and yelling I called the police. I wasn’t going to play his game anymore. But …. well maybe I did, as I removed my profile, and made it hidden.

Another time that he did moral outrage was back in 2012, after six months lying, stealing from my bank, faking jobs, faking his ex was dying of cancer and that his daughter would have to come live with us, or she would be an orphan, he ran off to another city, after stealing a lot of money. I was still being nice, I still loved him. For weeks the lies continued telling me he was in another city from where he actually was. Shouting and yelling at me on the phone. I was so confused. I really loved him, I didn’t know he was a sociopath, my entire world was collapsing, and was happening? Five weeks later after a heartbreaking time trying to contact him, I took all of my strength and went out on a night out. For five weeks he had kept me on a string, promising he was coming back and would give me back money, he would explain. I was devastated. Constantly he would  the train station was on his way back to my city, the train would arrive at ?? time, could I pick him up? Then switch his phone off. Considering I was in grief and traumatised, it was a sick, cruel psychological game. So when again he did the same thing, I went out. I shouldn’t have done that? ……

He messages to  all of my friends, I thought he was joking  when he said that he had emailed 85 friends and family and told them all about me. But it wasn’t true the words that he said. He plastered the same email all over my facebook. Not just once, but probably 40 times. I was alerted when my mother called me, and said ‘Omg what the hell is going on’…. fortunately my mother suspected that what was being written wasn’t the truth. He then attacked every bit of social life I had. Plastered the same post all over the Facebook pages of places I went to in real life, in my real world social life.

Humiliation and degradation doesn’t really cut it in terms of words of explanation. It seems so very tame compared to the impact of the damage caused. That is just how DUMB sociopaths are. He didn’t realise that actually later in his life, he would realise just how important I was to him… and want to be with me, fall in love with me (in his definition of love) – but the damage caused to me, was so severe, that the people that I was closest too, didn’t want him around in my life. Smart move sociopath.

Sociopaths are takers. They are users. Believe me, when they are feigning moral outrage, be it about world politics, a local sense of injustice, how men treat women – or how women treat men…. believe me, it is all just a distraction and diversion.  It is just another illusion. Yes an illusion. Sociopaths are the masters of illusion. Everything in life is a lie, they are the lie, they fake the lie, become the lie, they even believe their own lies.

Sociopaths are the biggest hypocrites on the planet. You will see them feigning moral outrage about things such as drug use, while banging up as many drugs as they can. Moral outrage about cheating and infidelity, yet be complete womanizers or man eaters. Make comments about peoples poor parenting skills, yet not see their own children for years. When they did see their children play games lie to their children, and then go further to play victim to everyone else, how they are hard done by and cant see their children.

Sociopaths are a league of their own. this is beyond false accusations moral outrage to give persona to the outside world about just how GOOD they are.

Sociopaths, they are in a different field. you have to understand that everything in life IS a game, other people, are audience members on their stage of life. Real normal people display moral outrage about things that they feel passionately about. However the sociopaths moral outrage is rarely genuine and is often just a tool behind the sociopath mask of deception.

Another form of moral outrage, more subliminal – used in the beginning of the new relationship to mould and shape the new victim to do what they want

Moral outrage is a very good tool for the sociopath to use, to get someone to do what they want. This is particularly effective in a new relationship. The new victim, not knowing the whole truth, will be told all of the ‘bad’ things that the previous victim did. Often this is made up, lies, or just a twisted fabrication of the truth. By telling the new victim tales about the ex – they can now get the new victim to do what they want. Examples of this are:

  • My ex was really lazy and didn’t do housework
  • My ex didn’t like sex
  • My ex couldn’t fix things around the house
  • My ex didn’t give me enough attention
  • My ex  was a taker and didn’t pay their way
  • My ex cheated on me with another man or woman

Saying this sets a message in the new victims mind as they are now trapped in the ‘feel good’ factor. The new victim is keen not to be what the ex was, and so complies, stage one of sociopath brain washing has begun.. The new victim has no idea that they are now on their way to becoming the next stepford wife/husband.

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Seeing Prostitutes Makes for Good Parenting? WTF? December 4, 2014

Dear Chump Lady,

I left my cheater husband two years ago after learning he had been having sex with prostitutes intermittently throughout our relationship (pre- and during marriage). I went through counseling with him, but finally filed for divorce last year when all I was getting was the Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse.

We have two little girls and I’ve been home raising them since they were born, while he was working and engaging in other extra curricular activities. He quit his job (he says he was fired, but I think he’s lying) and starting fighting for 50/50 custody. Since we couldn’t agree on custody we got a Guardian Ad Litem appointed and after meeting with both of us and seeing us with the kids and interviewing family and friends, she has given him very close to 50/50 custody.

I am devastated. I don’t think this is what’s right for my kids. But I also know that going through a trial will be difficult both emotionally and financially and I may end up with exactly what the GAL recommended anyway.

Bottom line I suppose is: how do I deal with the fundamental unfairness and injustice of this situation? He goes and screws prostitutes, puts my life and the lives of my children at risk and yet he gets to work less and see his kids more while I didn’t do anything wrong and I have to work more and see my kids less. How is this fair?

Frustrated Mom


Dear Frustrated Mom,

It’s not fair. It’s horribly unjust.

Personally, I think the no fault divorce ethos has gone waaaaaay too far. Fact is marriages break up most often because someone IS at fault. Someone is a drunk. Someone is an abuser. Someone is a cheater. Someone is mentally ill.

I certainly don’t want to go back to the bad ol’ days when people could hardly get divorces at all, or there was divorce stigma, but come on legal system — if a business partner did half the fraudulent things a cheating spouse does (steal marital resources, risk your health) we’d have a lawsuit with damages. Hell, we might even have jail time. You marry this person and they fuck you over? Oh, we drifted apart. We all brought issues to the marriage. WTF-ever.

Someone needs to explain to me how no fault divorce is better. I know there is some feminist argument out there someone (and I’m a feminist!) but I’ll be goddamned if I can see how getting rid of alimony helps women. When men can have babies and take a hit to their careers to raise children, call me.

That is not to say no fault divorce is a cake walk for men either. The entire system SUCKS for chumps! A man can support his family, she cheats, takes his kids and he’s got support and every other weekend. How the hell is THAT fair?

Back to you FM — you’ve got a very difficult calculus to do and I think you need to go consult with several lawyers. I am NOT a lawyer and I cannot give you legal advice, but here are some red flags leaping out at me in your letter:

1) He’s got a prostitution problem. How the hell was that not addressed? Last time I checked (unless you live in Nevada), prostitution is illegal. He’s breaking the law and he wants custody? I would so wave that shit under a judge’s nose.

Moreover, I am completely creeped out by men — especially men with DAUGHTERS — who frequent prostitutes. It’s not a victimless crime. People are trafficked, so many of these women are damaged, or tied up in organized crime, or are paying off “debts” for being transported to the country. Sure there are predatory “professionals” — and volunteers in the sex worker trade — but read the statistics!

Having a hooker habit isn’t stamp collecting. It’s not some weird, slightly embarrassing past-time, it is CRIMINAL. Whatever evidence you have of his prostitution usage, I’d be giving to an attorney and possibly the cops and child protective services.

2) He quit his job. Boy, I’ve seen that play here at Chump Lady, over and over. I’ve got to believe judges see it too as the obvious move it is to weasel out of child support. How exactly does he propose to support himself and 50% time with the children? Indefinite employment?  Welfare? (Moreover, how does he intend to pay for his hooker habit?)

Look, being forced back into the workforce is not a bad thing for you — you need financial independence from this clown. But that doesn’t mean his parenting is somehow equivalent to those years you spent at home because he quit his job now!

I would think a decent attorney could make hay with this.

Look, I have been through multiple custody trials — I can tell you first hand how costly it is and how deeply it sucks. I can also tell you I have always had physical custody of my kid too. I could buy a small house for what I spent on lawyer fees, no joke. I would go through it again to maintain custody. You asked my advice, so my advice is — fight him. You’ve got some terrific ammunition in my opinion. Also, I just doubt these cheaters really want THAT much time with their kids. They want zero consequences and zero expense usually.

If you can’t afford the fight, or are resigned to this outcome, then my next advice is document the shit out of everything he does, because when you’re in court again (you will be in court again), you can show chapter and verse of what he is doing that is NOT in the best interest of the kids. The legal system loves documentation.

Talk to some lawyers. I really think a fight with this dickhead is inevitable, so I’d get it out of the way now. Otherwise, you’re going uphill later. The court will think, well, he wasn’t so bad that she didn’t AGREE to let him have those girls… So don’t agree. Fight like hell.

And if his wife defends him, pays his way and believes his lies – THEN its on her.  You did the best you could!




by Chump Lady

So the other day, we had a discussion going in the comments about cheaters who do it in the marital bed, the family motorhome, the truck, etc. My opinion is these freaks are a certain subset of cheaters — the real sickos. It’s not enough to cheat, they get an extra kick from secretly debasing their chumps.

I Know a Secret You Don’t Know.

It makes them feel powerful to see you unknowingly humiliated this way. Sleeping in their cum-covered sheets. Using the same towels as the affair partner. Sitting down to a nice dinner with their fuckbuddy. Accepting the affair partner’s gifts and presence at your significant life events. They get to revel in your chumpdom and feel superior, united in their dirty little secret. Co-conspirators. Partners in crime.

How delicious. How exciting.

I imagine there are the cheaters who keep their lives more nicely compartmentalized. Home life and double life do not intersect. You visit the escort, you rate the escort. You travel for work, you fuck at the conference. They enjoy a safer kind of cake. (Well, safe in terms of exposure. Not safe in terms of risk and STDs.)

So why the sicko cheater? Why the great big FUCK YOU to the chump?

I have some theories.

1) They’re lazy. People who want to fuck around unfortunately often don’t have to look too far to find someone willing. A co-worker, a neighbor, a family friend. All it takes is someone similarly characterless who’s up for no-strings attached sex.

So, this person was in your circle before, and in your circle they remain. How can they look you in the eye? Invite your kid over for a play date? Bring you homemade banana muffins? It’s part of the “fuck you.” They’re doing a little competition with you — the pick me dance that affair partners do. Even when they tell themselves how uninvested they are, they want those constant reminders how much better they are than you, how moister their muffins are, how much more accomplished their children, how deserving. How lacking you are.

Of course, you’re blindfolded, with both hands tied behind your back, but they’re happy to stand in the ring and sucker punch you and declare themselves the “winner.”

Your spouse, on the other hand, is not just a sicko, they’re probably also just lazy. Why pay by the hour for a hotel when your bed is available? Why make special transportation arrangements when they can drive your truck?

You assign meaning and significance to things because you are a chump. You care. You see the connectedness of things. You ascribe meaning.

Cheaters don’t care and they aren’t connected. It’s about kibbles. Will using our marital bed get me kibbles right now? Okay! Nothing is sacred.

Nothing that is except kibbles.

2) They get off on the deceit. Who gets off on duping delight? Sociopaths. Sicko cheaters feel a contemptuousness for the chump and revel in their superiority at games. Uh, isn’t it a game unless we both know we’re playing a game? Nope, not if you’re a sociopath. We can’t have a level playing field here! The game is duping you! Making you pay for all the slights and grudges to their ego.

Or on the other hand, it’s nothing personal. They’re bored. They’ll chump you for shits and giggles.

How else do you explain one of the OW being invited to your wedding? (Raising my hand here.) Yep, I paid the bar tab for one of my cheater’s OW. Isn’t that special?

I’m sure having one of your OW in attendance at your wedding is a keen reminder that you are Not The Boss of Him. See, he’s “agreeing” to rules he’s already broken! Winning!

And it’s high stakes poker. It’s not enough risk-taking to just cheat, you have to amp up the drama — you have to flaunt it right under your chump’s nose. And they deserve it really for being so stupid. For trusting you.

Sex isn’t the high, deceit is the high. Power and humiliating others is the high. Control is the high.

3) They are delusional. Why do they take such risks? Because they’re loons. They never think their affair partner will rat them out. Everyone is just an extension of them, so won’t everyone just do as they wish? Of course they will. It is good to be puppet master.

Like all the Cluster B freaks, they’re special exceptions to the rules and constraints of chump society. In their imaginations, they never draw a deuce in their high stakes poker game. They always win and never get caught. When in truth, they fuck up because… they just don’t think that far ahead.

When I look back at my cheater’s risk taking, I just marvel. It was so stupid, so transparent, so clearly all going to collapse into a pile of ashes. And yet he did it anyway. Not just to me, but to two wives previously as well. He learned nothing from collapses one and two. He just took greater and more outlandish risks. He really couldn’t see past the next kibble quest.

I’ve eluded to this study before, but just found it again online from a New Yorker article on the science of sociopathy — these folks only see “card to card.” They can’t look over the event horizon to see consequences in order to fear them.

Joseph Newman, who chairs the psychology department at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, is the leading advocate of this theory. His model is based on traditional research methods, such as lab work using rats with brain lesions, and studies of humans using a well-known card-playing task, in which players gradually start to lose money; the players in the control group stopped as their earnings diminished, but the psychopaths could focus only on the outcome of the next card choice. Another hypothesis is that psychopaths lack fear of personal injury and, more important, moral fear—fear of punishment.

I’m not saying all cheaters are sociopaths — but the sadistic fucks who take delight in the double life, enjoy flagrantly humiliating you, and never think the day will come when they’re found out? Yeah, I think they’re sickos.

Whatever it is, it’s some kind of super fucked up. The kind of fucked up you need to get the hell away from.



by Kimberly Saeed

I can’t count the number of women I’ve interacted with who started out engaged to or married to a Narcissist and then, through a turn of events, became the “Other Woman”.

While the infidelity itself is unfair, the really sad part is that when this happens to each woman, she feels extremely isolated because she thinks she’s the only one “crazy” enough to accept this arrangement.  What she doesn’t realize is that this is very common amongst women who are involved in an abusive relationship with a Narcissist.  In fact, it’s one of the biggest indicators of the depth of pathological brainwashing the Narcissist is capable of.

Logically, who would agree to allow their partner to have a primary lover outside of the relationship, and further, who only comes around when he’s bored or his main partner is on her period?

Shocking, yes?  If you haven’t been through this experience, you may have felt a sting of indignation just imagining this happening to you.  If you have been through this, you probably felt nauseated.  These are all natural reactions of people who have high moral standards and empathy for other people.  The Narcissist doesn’t have morals or empathy.  He couldn’t care less about how his cheating affects the people in his life who are supposed to be precious to him.  To drive my point, I once received an email from a woman whose Narcissistic husband was out cheating while she lay in the delivery room about to give birth to their child.

If you’ve become the “Other Woman”, you are not alone.  And while it may seem impossible right now, you can put a stop to this injustice and reclaim your dignity and self-worth.  But first, I will explain how the Narcissist’s new love interest became his main squeeze and you morphed into the “Other Woman”, sitting around waiting for him to throw the proverbial bone.



1.        The fall of the fairytale

At some point in your relationship, the Narcissist decided you weren’t good supply anymore.  It may have been something simple, such as you asking him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, or being too tired to cook a four-course meal after working 12 hours.  Narcissists are selfish and trivial that way.  Or, perhaps it was something scandalous, like you catching him looking at porn or sending Facebook messages to other women.  Either way, there was a definite turning point where you fell off the pedestal and he went looking for other sources of supply.  You’ve seen his ugly side, and he can’t tolerate living under scrutiny.  The whole crux of Narcissism is living as one pleases without any accountability.

2.        The newer model

At this point, the Narcissist went out in search of a new source of livelihood.  This is akin to someone going to a car dealership and test-driving different cars.  That’s exactly what the Narcissist does when he’s securing new supply.  He didn’t keep his focus on just one model, he wanted to see what other models had to offer, and thus he literally went out (behind your back) openly flirting and hooking new victims.

After finding an acceptable replacement, he started the devalue and discard phase.  All of your insecurities and weaknesses were manifested at once.  He did and said everything he could in order to make you feel completely worthless.  And it worked. Even worse, your feelings of not being good enough were amplified by the fact that he began to flaunt the new woman in your face.

3.        The switch

This is where you converted to the Other Woman.  The real OW became his new love interest and he discarded you.  Often, this discard happens in front of the new woman.  While she may gloat and have a holier-than-thou attitude about the whole thing, she doesn’t know that you were clueless about her until the last minute.  Where you were simply confronting your partner about cheating, she thinks you stalked him down because you’re bat-sh** crazy, as the Narcissist would have her believe.  The truth is this scenario is often engineered by the Narcissist in order to deliver the final blow.  Remember how you saw his ugly side? He has to overcompensate for that.  And the only way he can accomplish this is by showing you how great he is to someone else, and what better way to do that than to tag-team against you with his new supply?

So there you were, utterly defeated and thrown away like yesterday’s meatloaf.  The time and love you invested in the relationship was gone like a candy wrapper in the wind.  Your self-esteem was at an all-time low, and you truly believed no one would ever give you the time of day for the rest of your life.

The reason you felt that way, and still do, is because the Narcissist brainwashed you into believing it. Much like Baby Elephant Syndrome, you remain trapped by your limiting beliefs.

You believed the Narcissist when he came around pretending to have second thoughts about the whole thing when, in reality, he realized someone else would eventually try to win your heart and that sure as hell isn’t going to happen if he has anything to do with it!

In the Narcissist’s mind, you are his property.  Even though he doesn’t really want a relationship with you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you, either.  So, he threw out a few crumbs to see if you would bite, and you did.  You gave him a key to your new apartment.  You allowed him back into your bed.  You started paying some of his bills again while he fed you soup about being “trapped” in the relationship with the new woman.  Besides, the only reason he started a relationship with her was because she offered him something you couldn’t (money, social connections, fringe benefits, etc.)  Furthermore, you’re not good wife material, but he still cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you…sound familiar?  In time, you found yourself waiting endlessly for him to give you one minute of his spare time while he went about his day without giving you a second thought…until it would serve him in some way to do so.



It’s Not Love

You think you’re still in love, but it’s not love…it’s toxic attachment.  If you’ve heard of toxic relationship cords, the two of you are connected energetically and because the relationship was so intense, these cords are thicker and more defined.  Cords of attachment are negative and hold the negative energies that were part of the relationship.  In this cord are stuck memories of betrayal, anger, hatred, sadness, fear, rejection etc. Even if you’re no longer seeing each other, because of this cord, toxic emotions affect your peace of mind, health and happiness.

Through a combination of toxic cord attachments and the Narcissist’s conditioning, you are energetically and mentally chained to your abuser.  You are ensnared in a “trance of unworthiness”.  And you look to your abuser to anoint you with value, but that will not happen.  Ever.

You are the only one that can acknowledge your worth, and it’s not something you have to earn.  It’s something you already possess.  It’s buried underneath your feelings of personal deficiency, and only through recognizing this and facing it head on will you begin true healing.  One book I’d like to recommend is Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach, Ph. D.  It comes in all formats, and is available “used” in print at an affordable price.  (I’m in no way affiliated with Dr. Brach or her book).


In closing, in order to truly heal you must cut all ties with the Narcissist.  He or she will only leave you stewing in a swamp of shame.  Regardless of what he says, he doesn’t love you.  He doesn’t love anyone…not even the new woman, in spite of what it may look like.





“Being a practiced liar doesn’t mean you have a powerful imagination. Many good liars have no imagination at all; it’s that which gives their lies such wide-eyed conviction.” — Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass

Hypocrites groom you to become hyper-aware of your own minor (or non-existent) wrongdoings, while actively dismissing anything that they themselves are doing wrong. First they relocate blame—then, your conscience does the rest of the work for them. Hypocrites are experts at blaming others, while empathetic people are experts at blaming themselves. The more of their poison you absorb, the more you start to doubt yourself, thereby making you more vulnerable to more poison. These dynamics leave you feeling self-conscious, inferior, insecure, and like nothing you do will ever be good enough—like someone is always judging you. You become a perfectionist, terrified that you might have actually become all of these things you’ve been accused of. (No, you’re not a psychopath) But it was all projection. Hypocrites spend their lives cheating, betraying, conning, and deceiving. But despite this disgusting pattern of behavior, they still feel entitled to point out (or invent) the most minor mistakes in others—and they’ll point them out repeatedly, to negate & excuse all of their own horrible actions. As a result, you spend more and more time trying to prove your ethics to the most unethical person on the planet. You end up feeling guilty for being five minutes late to a date (months ago), while they gleefully cheat on you with another man or woman. If the moral scales in your life seem to be skewed beyond all recognition, you likely encountered a pathological hypocrite—or a psychopath. Here are some warning signs:

1) Do as I say, not as I do. Their actions never seem to match up with their charming words. They have extremely high expectations in you, but don’t seem to follow those standards themselves. They are allowed to have dinner with their “crazy” ex who’s “still in love” with them, but they’ll give you the silent treatment for going out with your friends.
2) The rules apply to others, but they do not apply to me. They believe they are above the law—both legally and ethically. They feel entitled to behave however they choose, but others must be kept in line at all times. We see this in politics every single day, when our elected officials stomp across the morals they enforce upon everyone else.
3) It is always someone else’s fault. It’s not their fault for lying. It’s your fault for being so petty and pointing out their lie. They might also bring up your past mistakes, to prove that their lie isn’t actually so bad by comparison. Someone is always out to get them, and that’s the reason behind all of their problems.
4) Anyone who points out my wrongdoings should be punished. When all else fails, you must be punished, so you learn not to point out their lies anymore. This can be done through triangulation, cheating, and most commonly—the silent treatment.
5) The perpetual victim. Their bad behavior always has sob-story roots. They learned to lie because of their abusive ex, or their abusive parent. They hate drama; all they’ve ever wanted is some peace & quiet, and yet they provoke more drama than anyone you’ve ever known. They declare their hatred of negativity, all the while calling you “hysterical” to anyone who will listen, even when you are completely ignoring them.
6) Condescending, patronizing, and superior. You feel like a child being reprimanded by an adult. They speak down to you as if you are intellectually deficient and emotionally unstable. They laugh when you try to express yourself, dismissing any concerns you might have as hyper-sensitive and crazy.
7) Lies & excuses. Hypocrites have excuses for everything. You will find that they spend a lot more time excusing their behavior than ever actually improving it. Instead of apologizing or admitting fault, they simply ignore reality & argue with solid evidence when confronted with it. Survivors also often notice that psychopaths seem to enjoy the thrill of lying. Sometimes it seems they’ve planted evidence that actually allows you to catch them. They lie even when the truth would suffice. Why? Because duping others is what they do. It is the only highlight of their otherwise insufferably boring lives. (Pathological lying)

On the other end of the spectrum, here is their ideal target in relationships, the workplace, and government:

1) Actions over words. Healthy, humble individuals do not constantly talk about the good things they have done, because it would be arrogant and uncomfortable. Instead, they prove it with their actions, which are intentionally ignored by hypocrites who can simply invent fake virtues with fake words.
2) The rules apply to me, but I feel bad for judging others. Ideal targets have always paid strong attention to rules and ethics. They are terrified of getting in trouble at school, or breaking the law, or hurting a romantic partner. They have been trained well, and they want to see the same good in others.
3) It is always my fault. Instead of blaming others for their problems, they tend to blame themselves for everything. Even the slightest suggestion that they’ve done something wrong will lead to long periods of introspection and self-doubt. They will rewrite reality in order to absorb the flaws of others.
4) Anyone who points out my wrongdoings might be right, even if I don’t remember doing that. Always willing to talk about concerns that others might have about them, and will work extremely hard to ensure they do not upset anyone else that way in the future. Willing to accept fault for something they didn’t actually do, if it means keeping the harmony.
5) I never want to be the victim, even when I have been harmed. Survivors remain largely silent after abuse, anonymously seeking out help for the nightmare they experienced. Ironically, a hypocrite will scream that you’re a perpetual victim for trying to quietly recover from the hell they put you through. (Victim blaming)
6) Gentle, compassionate, and flexible. Ideal targets will always be willing to compromise and make things better. They are approachable, warm, and sensitive to the feelings of others. Because of these qualities, they often attract negative and self-centered people like magnets.
7) Apologies. Will always say sorry when they do something wrong, even if they haven’t done anything wrong at all. While hypocrites will only apologize if they can get something out of it, their targets apologize in order to restore peace & trust.

Combine these two personalities, and you have a recipe for self-destruction. The hypocrite walks away unscathed, while you’re left with crippling doubts about your entire sense of self. But these doubts will slowly star to subside, the longer you’re free from this toxic individual. Worrying about your own good nature is actually the first sign that everything is going to be just fine. You see, worry is proof of a conscience—something pathological hypocrites don’t have.


YWL’s Own Behaviors Are Catching Up to Him October 18, 2013

Filed under: Barbara Speaks — Barbara @ 8:34 am

Got this in my email.  Seems YWL’s own behavior and alliances are catching up to him.  (And I didn’t have to do a thing)

If YWL has anything to do with this KimberlinUnmask Twitter account – it’s classic  behavior.  Here’s the article:

Is *****  ****** Operating @Kimberlinunmask?

More about Xenophon

Written by: Xenophon on October 17, 2013.

When Kender McGowan owned up to the @kimberlinunmask Twitter account recently, something about his admission struck us as a little off. We had suspected him of creating the account, but we already knew it had been used by others, including Aaron Walker Stalker, and did not believe McGowan was still operating the account anymore or updating the associated blog. Today, a source passed us an affidavit from kimberlinunmask in the case of Kimberlin v Walker et al in which the pseudonymous blogger claims he has lived in New York all his life and is at least 53 years old. We know of one person in the Kimberlin “scene” that fits the profile given in this document: **** ******, aka @YidWithLid, who resides in New York and has a long track record of abusive sexual predation on the internet.

****** denies that accusation, of course, but his victims have established his identity beyond doubt, and his attempts to scrub traces of this activity from the internet have failed to remove the evidence. The married **** ****** has also procured and “reviewed” prostitutes online, but receives none of the shame and harassment from his allies who have recently piled on Melissa Brewer over her years-old prostitution arrest. As always, the moral judgment of Breitbots is reserved solely for the liberals they despise. (Click here to watch his NSFW jerk-off video, though God only knows why you would want to.)

But **** ****** is much, much more than a craven sociopathic abuser of women and flaming hypocrite. He is also a well-known racist, Israel-extremist, and Islamophobe. ****** is closely allied with, and lives close to, the insane Pamela Geller. Although Geller was rejected as a speaker by the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) this year, she still showed up at’s anti-Islamic “Uninvited” panel. ******, who writes for, was also at CPAC. In fact, he took it upon himself to roam the confab and confront any dark-skinned person trying to talk about race. Remember this little incident? ****** briefly appears on camera at about the two minute mark, and it is his shrill voice you hear throughout:

****** would like to be your free speech hero, bravely defying the “oppression” of Mr. Kimberlin, but just try to talk about race relations in his presence – or simply disagree with him on anything! — and he will demand you be arrested for treason. The double standard is always in place, no matter the issue, because ****** insists on being allowed to have his own set of facts. His blogging about Kimberlin belongs to the same genre as his beliefs about President Obama, the Muslim Brotherhood, and an ongoing “stealth jihad against American values:” it is a paranoid persecution narrative and a steaming pile of bullshit.

Which brings us back to Kender McGowan’s odd admission, and the specific thing that made us wonder if he was not trying to protect someone else.


“Who is Jack Idema?” We hear you cry. Idema, who died in January of 2012, was a fraudster and convicted con artist who used his limited time in the US Army Special Forces during the 1970s, when he was “the most unmotivated, unprofessional, immature enlisted man I have ever known” according to one supervising officer’s report, to pass himself off as a mercenary in Afghanistan during the War on Terror. Idema had a gift for self-promotion, fabrication, and threats. He also had a kink for grabbing random bearded men off the streets of Kabul and beating them in his own makeshift Abu Ghraib. “Operation Desert Fraud” was eventually busted by Afghan police:

An Afghan court sentenced Idema to a ten-year prison term on charges of entering the country illegally, running a private prison, and torture. Idema had been accused of operating a detention–cum–interrogation center in concert with another former U.S. soldier and a TV cameraman, who were sentenced alongside him the same day. When Afghan police arrested the trio on July 5, they said they saw a smaller-scale version of the gruesome prisoner-abuse photos from the Baghdad interrogation cells in Abu Ghraib. Early press reports indicated that three prisoners found in Idema’s custody during the raid were blindfolded and beaten and strapped to the ceiling by their feet; five others were tied to chairs with rope in a small, dark room down a hall that was littered with bloodied clothing. All of the prisoners in Idema’s custody were subsequently released; none was shown to be connected to Al Qaeda.

Despite his evident fraud and criminal convictions, and despite the fact that he passed the HIV virus which killed him to his wife without ever telling her he was infected, Idema still has a fan club. The Blogspot site still exists, though it is now private. As you might expect, Idema is a hero to right wing asshats who love torture and hate Muslims. ****** fits that bill much better than McGowan, who is mainly known for being a fixture at Renaissance faires. Was McGowan protecting******, and by extension, the reputation of the Breitbart legacy? We think so. Consider the defense offered in the affidavit:

The only “defamatory” statements attributed specifically to me are the statements quoted in paragraphs 18-23 of the motion, referring to the Plaintiff as a ‘misogynist,” “pedophile” or part of “Team Pedo,” or showing Plaintiff’s head superimposed on a Nazi graphic. Those were statements of my opinion based on widely-available information about the Plaintiff that has been in the public domain for years. The availability of the information about Plaintiff’s pedophilic tendencies can be confirmed simply by perusing the hundreds of results that are returned when searching the terms “Kimberlin” and “pedophile” together in any Internet search engine and that pre-date July 29, 2013 (the first date Plaintiff alleges I made any pedophilia-related statement about him).

We suppose we must repeat this forever: just because you repeat someone else’s libel does not absolve you of committing libel. But this is the standard excuse of the Walker Stalker Clan. They create the narrative, then bounce it inside their echo chamber until it becomes “fact,” then when they are called out they claim they are just reporting what they read. Never mind that they are repeating the same false narrative they created in the first place: it’s not my fault! But it is their fault. They have invented their way into this disaster, and still seek to invent their way out of it.

The affidavit spends entirely too much ink on denying that its author is connected to Maryland, or does business in Maryland. Do they imagine that they can duck the consequences of defaming a person who lives in Maryland this way? Apparently so, and it smacks of desperation.


Yeah…. he does sound ‘shrill’.  He almost sounds feminine.

None of this surprises me, there is no behavioral change here.  Blame shifting, lying, projecting.  Possible use of a false identity.  Using his OWN ‘facts.’ Endless entitlement.  Attention seeking.  All of it really embarassing – if he was normal.  The teabaggery is par for YWL’s course.

Some of YWL’s spin (italics):

Rather than debate the reasons why we disagreed about Brooksbayne, they started tweeting links to Internet slanders, originally made about me over seven years ago. These lies included charges about me being a sexual predator, using hookers, etc. (‘SLANDER: to make false and damaging statements about (someone).’  So take me to court YWL!! You said you did but that was a lie.  Let’s go and see if they are truly lies.  Your mere words do not make truth no matter how often or how loud you say them.)

The deranged Ms. Schlussel used the same tactic against me two years ago, when I defended my friend John Hawkins from her false charges of Anti-Semitism. It didn’t shut me up then and it wont shut me now. (You’d know all about TACTICS, YWL.  Like blame shifting, projection, lying, rewriting history, etc.)


Many long term Lid readers may remember that I used to blog under the  pseudonym Sammy Benoit. The reason for the pseudonym Sammy was those same untrue charges recently dredged up by Schlussel and Breitbart unmasked. In the past four days have been called more names than I get called during Thanksgiving dinner with my VERY liberal family.  (Untrue?  Keep trying the semantics YWL.  There are some proofs right here on this blog.  Nice try.  You can’t use that NLP coercion nonsense on me or anyone with a brain anymore.)


More on the self-proclaimed ‘anti bully’ – ROFLMAO!



MUST READS: September 25, 2013

Filed under: Barbara Speaks — Barbara @ 8:38 pm

silence evil2





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