Readers, I am going to temporarily skip Kathy Krajco’s Example #5 (Exhibits Unnatural & Perplexing Behavior — Backwards Reactions to Things) simply because there is SOOOOOOOOO much to say there that I have to take my time… and it will probably be a long post.
One of the questions the victims I now coach always ask or bring up is ‘is being a control freak part of this disorder?’
From what I have learned and been taught – Cluster B Pathology (which includes Narcissism & Sociopathy) – always includes the need for Absolute Power & Control in the relationship – whatever that is. And this power and control is done in a number of different ways – coercion, misrepresentation, trance/ suggestibility/ mind control, lying, guilt-tripping and blame-shifting to name a few.
All these types live in a world of delusion. They exploit anyone and everyone to keep their delusions alive and valid (for them). If you question them or break the delusions in any way – you become the enemy to be destroyed. Trying to ‘reason with them’ or ‘make them see reality’ is a fool’s errand. Don’t bother.
For example: When YWL demanded I take all the postings around the net about him down, I politely tried. I realized later that (as I will cover in #5) he had a backward reaction. Didn’t thank me – just raged even more. I even tried to tell him what happened but he didn’t want to hear it. Still doesn’t. Still an upside-down reaction. Because then he’d have to deal with reality – rather than his convenient delusion of blaming me for things I didn’t do and have no control over. It validates YWL‘s rage at me for discovering who & what he REALLY IS… in black & white… in ways even his nearest and dearest hadn’t.
Sociopaths and other pathologicals never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as completely permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile, controlling and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used or an object. Many like to dominate and humiliate their victims.
Very late in the ‘relationship’ YWL admitted to me he saw me ONLY as an object to be used for cybersex when he felt like it. He got bored early on after my ex-husband found out and confronted him. Just clicked back over to his cyberwhores & escorts and left me hanging – to be beaten and abused by my ex-husband. YWL did this without a second thought or any remorse. Because to him, I was an OBJECT. And when it turned out I was a real person with real feelings – this was not part of his delusion – so he set about to destroy me. He probably will not stop until he does. As a dear friend of mine says “sociopaths run from truth like vampires from a Xenon flashlight!”
YWL controlled WHEN cybersex happened; he cajoled me into it one way or another; when HE felt like it. He controlled things so that I would never meet his family – as I continually requested. He’s currently created a picture of me to his wife such that she believes I am evil incarnate and ‘obsessed’ with him, as well as ‘stalking him.’ This controls the “flow of information.”
YWL knew that I was empathetic and liked men who loved & took care of their families; were involved with their children; were honest & real. So he discussed HIS family, HIS problems and so on with me freely. This was all to support the picture he purposefully brainwashed me into believing of him as a caring father and hard worker. He knew this would keep me reeled in.
No one in their ‘right mind’ would do what I did – but as many therapists, psychiatrists and psychologist have told me – to my face – I wasn’t in my ‘right mind’. I was brainwashed.
YWL showed only cursory interest in my issues, family, etc. His feigned interest only lasted a few months until my ex-husband confronted him. He also started to devalue me as soon as I showed him pictures of what I looked like. Despite MANY MANY MANY times me calling him on it – he convinced me he didn’t care that I’d put on weight and was disabled, etc. No, he is too much of an Objectifier. And he proved this in his smear & distortion campaign against me. This feigned interest also kept the NLP coercion going because he knew I would not be ‘sexual’ with him without emotion. So the false concerns he portrayed left me believing he gave a damn and had emotions. He did not. And I now know as a sociopath – he could not and never will.
As things moved along he proclaimed he was more “needy” and his language with me and desires became more disgusting, objectified and blatantly perverse. There was no intimacy, affection or respect in what he wanted – none whatsoever.
YWL also blocks or bans people from his website, his Facebook, his Twitter that don’t agree with him; that want to have a debate or conversation with him. I have heard from a number of them. It’s his way or the highway – UNLESS HE NEEDS YOU FOR SOMETHING. Any 2-way conversations are again, feigned. As a true salesman – showing interest in the needs of others; even false – gives the other person (or victim) the impression there is a “relationship.” As the line from Glengarry Glenross goes “ABC = Always Be Closing;” and YWL is always closing… for his own needs, his own desire for attention & control & power and nothing else.
It took me over a year to figure out how YWL was IM’ing all the women on my AOL buddy list. What I realized was I’d somehow given him access. It was almost like he used me as a pimp – anything female was a target. He now included in his pick-up arsenal “just ask Barbara – I’m a decent guy.” Since then I have developed a lot of expertise in dealing with the internet. And I have pretty much stopped IMing all together.
Just another of the too-many-to-count examples of something YWL did that was WAY over-the-line controlling: In his one of his ongoing attempts to smear me & silence me he started googling my nicknames shortly after the blowup. Digging for dirt; like the dirt Computer Crimes found on him (and what he could not find, he made up!)
Here’s one thing he found: I have had PCOS since I was 9. One of the symptoms is profuse vaginal fluid. It doesn’t smell at all but if you wear colored panties, the pH of it will literally ‘bleach’ the crotch white. I always have a mini pack of babywipes and baby powder with me to combat it. And anyone who knows me knows I am very particular about my personal cleanliness.
This symptom was worse when I was younger but its still an issue. So YWL found my posting about this in a thread on the PCOS forum at Ob/Gyn Net and posted in various places on the net that I was a filthy smelly c*nt blah blah.
One of the women with PCOS from Ob/Gyn net which is where it was posted – found it – told me and I had it removed. One of the DOCTORS who spends time running the PCOS section contacted me. I was horrified. Thousands of women on a site for a very serious hormone disorder were horrified. The DOCTORS’ panel on that site reported it to the FBI as well.
Talk about no boundaries…
All this to keep me from telling the truth. To scare me into silence. I am sure many of yours, readers, have gone to disgusting lengths to silence you too.
1. They think they know best about everything. They know what’s best for you; just ask them. They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say. They point out all your mistakes and failings. They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can. They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses. Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along. Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago. You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn. They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well. They’re nit-picking, micro-managers. They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best. They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly. They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.
4. They’re more important than you are. Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world. Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter. Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge. Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions. Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want. They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands. Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them. They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on. Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy. You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.
6. Their excuses, excuse. Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do. If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil. Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred. Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do. They’re saints in their own minds. You’d better agree or else.
7. Their rules, rule. They know how the world should be and how people should act. They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules. If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem. They are virtuous and righteous. They simply talk so loud, stridently and long that you give in.
In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time. Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up. They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.
The last evidence of YWL‘s being a control freak with no boundaries is his new identity – Sammy Benoit; created very shortly after the police found out about everything. And his novella of “the truth about what really happened.” All simply more attempts to rewrite history and control reality. As well of the reality of everyone who actually read or listened to what he had to say and didn’t see how transparent and inherently abusive & contradictory it was.
I love getting your emails or comments below on how this was done to you. I hope this continues to validate and illuminate things for you. Will continue with #7 (Is Extremely Self-Absorbed) soon!