Preyed on by a Narcissistic Psychopath

What really happened between myself & YidwithLid (2002-2004) and information about dealing with Psychopaths, Narcissists & Predators

MORAL EQUIVALENCY March 18, 2007

Got a note this page has been copied and pasted places in order to harass and stalk me as well as to ‘inform’ my estranged husband. Too late. He knows, we all know and the truth is known by him, myself and the authorities. Yes, the ‘authorities.’ Law firms, police, fraud department of police, computer intelligence unit of the police – they investigated me. They have ALL seen my computer, my finances and the upshot? You’re all a bunch of wackos! You seem to believe what you want to hear (from people who are proven liars) rather than what IS.  I’m not reading what you post anywhere, I’m not responding, I do not care.  Think what you like, I have moved on – waaaay on, years ago.  Other people sent me your nonsense and while they meant well I asked them to stop.   So party on with your cray-cray… it seems to be keeping you all busy.

tell my story
_________________________________________________________________________________

Here it is.  The truth.  My truth.  And truth you can check.  Don’t believe me, believe what your gut – your common sense – and what you know about me tells you.

I married someone I loved, liked and had been living with for 2 years.  I was never a big fan of marriage but I didn’t see myself with anyone but him.  He convinced me he felt the same.  I spent years married to him and all of that time trying to have children with him. I excused the annoyances, the put downs, the criticism, the snide remarks. I tried very hard to make him happy though it seems he never is.  Got counseling for myself because I assumed I was the problem.  Tried getting him to counseling.  After about 7-8 years things slowly but surely get strange.  Emotionally intimacy starts to disappear.  He actually starts BELIEVING his psychopath mother until you point out how messed up her accusations are.  He gets distant.  He refuses to initiate sex.  Men hit on you right in front of him and he seems oblivious to it.  You don’t understand – your marriage is like a ‘through the looking glass’ show.

You finally have the children you wanted so much (and he said he wanted) and the disability you’ve been struggling with for a couple years gets worse. You no longer have many friends, you can’t go out, your husband goes to work and then out for hours at a time. And leaves you alone. With 2 children. While you are sick.  He makes fun of you being sick.  Accuses you of faking it despite doctors talking to him about how seriously ill you are.  He steps over you when you need to crawl on your hands & knees to the bathroom.  A female friend has to help you shower.  He helps with the children but makes you PAY emotionally and with verbal abuse when he does.  Even his ‘friends’ notice the way he treats you. Your career was slowly put-down, made fun of and chipped away at.  He even got your narcissistic mother to help him. 

You find out years later he was deeply jealous of your acting career and your success; he’d wanted to be an actor and fell flat on his face. But that’s not the worst of it. He no longer wants to have sex. Not intimacy – I mean S E X. At all. You stopped initiating. You noticed years ago he refused to initiate but he promised it would change after all the scheduled sex for infertility, etc. But it doesn’t. You are sharing a bed with a virtual stranger.  He doesn’t want to be hugged, kissed, touched in any way.  He’s the ICE MAN. 

Everyone notices how odd he is about being affectionate.  Who is that guy? You wake up in the morning clinging to the side of the bed where you have almost been shoved off. You are told to go sleep on the couch now because your disability makes you sweat. You sleep on the floor of your children’s rooms to be there for them so he can sleep and go to work. He tells you he resents that you can’t work anymore and he’s the bread winner. He feels “put upon.”

You confront him about the no sex. He looks at you like a deer in headlights. You ask repeatedly what he wants – anything – another woman, another man, toys, porn… anything. And he avoids. He refuses therapy and projects it all back on you. If it wasn’t for your kids you’d want to die. You can’t work anymore and now you feel like nothing. No love. No sex. Nothing but blame and anger. Nothing. But the verbal and emotional abuse continues. You finally realize you are being abused through therapy and cold hard thought. You try to get him to therapy again. No dice. You are too physically ill to fight and too broke to up and leave just then. You love being a mother to your kids but your marriage is dead.  And you know it.

ONE DAY… Then, one day, you get an email from an old friend. Someone you haven’t talked to in over 20 years. Someone actually remembers you! It’s very nice to catch up. You want to meet his family, have him meet yours.

He’s very sweet even though you remember he wasn’t always very nice to you in the past.  He brushes it off to youth, stupidity.  He even apologizes.  But, in just a couple weeks, this old friend brings up that you & he slept together back in the day. He “says” you deflowered him. You have no idea and don’t quite believe him. You laugh. He asks you about your marriage after telling you his is stone cold and he doesn’t love his wife anymore – and hasn’t for a long time. You have a sympathetic ear and no reason to be suspicious of him. 

You don’t realize he’s making his wife suffer from HIS “Madonna/Whore Syndrome” (common in pathologicals) You tell him what’s going on. No reason not to trust him after he’d shared his marital woes with you.  And you know this person – you know he’s o.k. Right?  It’s only too late that you realize you were being profiled. Then every conversation with him turns to how much he “liked” you and making you feel guilty for not “liking” him back. You try to tell him it wasn’t that way – it was the other way around. He never called you or dated you – you just slept together. 

In fact, you remember him telling people – in front of you – loudly – that he would NEVER EVER date a non-Jewish girl. You also send him pictures of yourself and tell him how much weight from surgeries and medication you’ve gained.  He can plainly see.  You tell him this MULTIPLE times when you chat in the future too.  MULTIPLE.  He’s well aware of what you look like now and says he cares for “you, not your body” and how “beautiful you are on the inside.”

bad relationship Pictures, Images and Photos

You remember that in the fall of 1976 – you were in his & his roommate’s dorm room with some other people.  The roommate leans over to him and asks “did you ever sleep with her (you)?”  You’re on the other side of the room so you don’t look over but you do listen. YWL’s response? “Oh her??? I would NEVER sleep with her!”  You remember vividly you felt so sick you had to make an excuse and quietly leave the room.  The first time you had sex with him you bled all over him.  He never calls or sees you to find out if you’re o.k. after that night.  You end up at the Student Health Center being told that you have internal bruising from him.  (You find out later he TOLD people and ASSUMED you were a virgin!  Heck no, you had a long term boyfriend in high school with whom you were intimate.  But he brags how he deflowered you to some and lies about it to others – saying THAT is now the reason you’re “obsessed” with him!  Heck if he hadn’t looked you up on Classmates.com you would NEVER have given this guy a 2nd thought!) You’re mortified and glad it was just a couple times you slept with him.  You’re glad the sex was so textbook and nothing special.  And you’re glad you never told him about the abortion you had for him in the summer of 1976 – just a couple months before this comment.

He asks about his old roommate – whom you dated for a while as well.  He’d PUSHED you to the roommate before he split for another university (and you never heard from him again).  You tell him you learned just before undergrad graduation that this guy was stalking you and obsessed with you.  You tell your old friend that he’d tried to kill you, sent you to the hospital and now believe he was psychopathic.  YWL seems unphased.

He asks about your acting career (he wanted to be an actor too) – which you had to give up after being diagnosed as permanently disabled.  You tell him you never wanted to be famous but you did make money at it and you had a nice little career you were proud of.  He abruptly changes the subject.  (Missed this Red Flag despite how odd it was)

Now he waxes poetic about how nice you are, what a good person, probably a good mother and how loving the sex was. You are shocked he remembers anything at all. He throws in just enough details so you think maybe he does remember and you don’t. He declares multiple times that he still has feelings for you and always had.  He blows off his prior hurtful comments as wanting to be “macho” and being young & stupid. He listens to you, asks about your health, asks about your feelings and draws you out – you are so relieved. Finally, you think, someone who listens and cares. 

He tells you he “wishes he was more honest that he felt this way about you back in college.” But he said he’d never date a non-Jew.  And his wife is Jewish so that proves it.  You start to try to get him to get marriage counseling, help or something to save his marriage.  However, you’re so bowled over & in shock about his ‘feelings’ all the other stuff slides insidiously into your psyche.

Before you know it, one day, out of the blue, your ‘old friend’ initiates cybersex.  Something makes you go along. Don’t know why, you just do and feel odd about it.   Next thing you know you do it again with him.  You feel confused and woozy.  You can’t even control yourself doing it.  Something inside you snapped and you’re not in control. Oddly, he only calls you on the phone 3 times in 2 years – twice for phone sex. Never ever just a ‘hi’ how are you call. He says he “CAN’T call” you – that he couldn’t “control” himself around you if he saw you or called. He tells you this more times than you can count.

Now, if you get sick, he goes from concern to ‘could care less.’ In fact, he gives you the vibe your illness somehow ‘inconvenienced’ him. But you blow it off – like you blew off all the abuse you’d been getting in your marriage for all those years and from your Narcissistic mother since childhood. It was good practice at denial. You go away for a month out of the country and Mr. “I have feelings for you” and “I can’t control myself” seems to care less.  But he IMs you while you are away for more cybersex.  He tells you an affair might help both of you with your “bad marriages.”  You remind him you’re separated and continue trying to get him to talk to his wife & work things out.

One night he spends 2 hours online with you telling you how he HAS to be with you sexually. Just once. He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it happen but he needs you desperately.

You can’t believe it. You tell him to slow down. How about lunch? A drink? You have kids. You want to meet his family. This isn’t right. And you don’t do “just once.” In fact, you aren’t sure you want to continue. You say no, tell him it’s immoral and beg him to go for counseling even offering to find a counselor for him and even his wife. He pleads a few more times for you to sleep with him and seems very upset that you said “No.”  He keeps up the pressure and you have zero emotional fortitude to withstand it after years of abuse.  

You introduce him to your best friend, who is young enough to be your daughter.  She’s Jewish too and they chat.  You find out later he tries to get sexual with her a number of times.  He even tries to talk you into having sex with her and letting him watch!!! Then he swears it was all a joke when you stop talking to him. When you express horror, he reels you back in with more promises, excuses, and apologies.

You turn his pleas over and over in your head. And something inside you snaps again. You don’t really have inner strength to say no after all those years of abuse and abandonment. You reluctantly say O.K. to the ongoing cybersex but still hedge on the real sex. You’d rather have a normal friendship but somehow he turns every online chat turns to sex. You can’t think straight, sleep is illusive, you don’t eat – you feel like you were run down by a love train.  You’re not yourself, you’re hypnotized and feel like a puppet.  But you can’t tune him out somehow. You remember how much you liked him and how he blew you off but he ‘explains’ it all away. You fall like you did over 25 years before.

Then your husband finds out. Your husband’s been hacking your computer and passively aggressively emails you & YWL. What does YWL do? Disappeared for 5 weeks leaving you to take beatings, verbally & physically, from your husband. Doesn’t want to talk about it with you.  Discuss it.  Help you figure out what to do.  Nothing.  You don’t even see that as a red flag now. When your ‘sympathetic ear’ does come back online – he’s ANGRY that you & your husband are going to counseling and have decided to separate.  (Looking back this horrifies and terrifies me.  I remember feeling like a puppet on a string.  I was an emotional mess.)

And all those “I have to have you” feelings? Gone. Poof. You ask the old friend who you have been baring your soul to and he gives no answer. When you ask him again – he disappears offline for a few days.  He seems to have snapped off his feeling like a light switch. Weeks later you chat with him as ‘just friends’ for over a year but he still refuses to introduce you to his family or meet yours.  During chats and emails he throws in non-stop sexual innuendo.

The one time you pressure him to finally to just have lunch with you he acts oddly – as if you’re an annoyance to be near. But you let him skate because you were raised by a Narcissist and still have a problem knowing the difference between abuse and normal behavior.  (more on this lunch later…)  You’ve got energy invested here too.  You keep trying to get him to go to counseling.  He goes but only to get drugs.

You even stop talking to him about four times and each time within a week or so – he’s BEGGING you to keep talking to him. And he’s gone from suggesting you get together to ‘make love’ to using the term ‘fuck’ for anything sex related.  Slowly but surely ‘come’ becomes ‘cum’, ‘breasts’ are referred to as ‘tits’ and Mr. So-Polite even calls a woman’s private parts as ‘pussy’ to you.  You make mental note of it as he becomes more crude… and cruel.  Does he even know who he’s talking to?

And your husband has been abusing you daily – because of ‘YWL.‘  (However, there’s moving out and apart from each other now… because your neighbor is calling 911 when you’re pushed around or hit and she finds out.)

A few months into this one day you are online with him and a female friend of yours who doesn’t live far from him. You mention to him you are chatting to her too. He then IMs her (who he doesn’t know or ever been introduced to!) some very suggestive things. She is furious, blocks him and tells you he’s a creep. You tell her she over-reacted, he’s a joker.

A couple weeks later a family member who’s interested in politics comes to visit.  She asks if she can chat with him and asks him some questions.  He’s completely dismissive, arrogant and rude to her.  You don’t understand who this person is.  (It isn’t until after this whole thing is over you find out he’s a raging right-winger… he keeps that from you while he’s got you in his thrall)

He gets you online a couple of times and tells you all about his ex-fiance, going into filthy, lurid detail about their sex romps. You have the typical abused person’s freeze response.  You get off and feel sick & dirty.  He even tells you about when he and his wife have sex!  You let him know that’s over the line.  He admits that he is “sick sick sick” and “needs help” but then he gets mad at you and projects it all back on you.

Over the next few months you see him online but not even saying hi to you, like you aren’t even there – when you IM him he freaks out and tells you never to do that again.  But hee doesn’t even block you… the whole thing is becoming torturous but you feel powerless to break away while you’re finally moving to your new home.  He’s changed just like your ex-husband did and you feel on the outside of some horrible joke.

This torture goes on & off for months.

Second-guessing: Because we have had our self-esteem eroded by the continuos gaslighting, we can live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making our situations even more chaotic for ourselves. We inevitably find ourselves asking “what if”, and always trying to second guess ourselves. This often effects how we problem-solve, and make decisions in our lives including allowing the narcissist back into our world… Time after time even when we know what they truly are. What they have done to us is why we allow them back even when our brain is telling us no. Gaslighting is nothing less than a form of brainwashing.

One evening, 21 months after your ‘old friend‘ looks you up and involves you in this online affair,March 2004 you get a call from a new friend of yours. 

She tells you YWL’s been planning a full blown affair with her; she lives on the West coast; using his work resources! She’s another severely abused, lonely and depressed woman who misses Red Flags all the time.  She’s also married to an abuser.

And the kicker?  you introduced her to him.

 She tells you he’s emailing, calling her 2-4 times per day, offering gifts, money and has used a business trip to a city near her to start the physical affair. Using the hotel paid for by his employer as the place. He tells her he “LOVES her” and she’s his “SOULMATE.” No, they have never met in person.  Your friend admits she’s a “cougar” and that she shaved 10 years off her real age, and is much older than she told him she was. And, bizarrely – he’s told her things about his ‘history’ that never ever happened to him – they happened to YOU.  Yes, he’d taken my personal history and incorporated it into his lures with her. Sickening. (Psychologically known as Projective Identification)  Apparently he found your painful history so interesting he made it HIS OWN to BOOST HIS CREDIBILITY!

in doing this, the narcissist isn’t attacking your faults and shortcomings: she is attacking your virtues and accomplishments. Consequently, when she is conducting a campaign of character assassination against someone, the arrows she shoots never hit one of that person’s real flaws. The result is something like Dr. Frankenstein accomplished with body parts. A chimera.

The narcissist’s false image contains the virtuous qualities in other people’s characters, and their images have had those virtuous qualities replaced with the flaws in the narcissist’s character. In other words, the narcissist steals your virtues and dumps on you her faults. In doing so, the narcissist is stealing your identity, pulling an identity switch with you, piecemeal. It’s a kind of magic, an illusion created with nothing but words, which can warp perceptions by making anything of anything.

For example, let’s say that the narcissist is stingy and that one of your virtues is that you are outstanding for your generosity. She hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves as foil to her stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So she muddies your image and glorifies her image by misappropriating your generosity to herself and misappropriating her stinginess to you.

But the reason for her call?  Is that YWL tells her things about you that are mind-boggling in their nasty, false, twisted intent… with the added caveat for her NOT to speak to you ever because YOU are supposedly “obsessed” with him and you will “ruin their love.”  She’s confused because she what she knows about you doesn’t square with what YWL is feeding her.  WTF???? 

By the way, he uses the EXACT SAME come-on lines and the EXACT same cybersex scenarios with her. This girlfriend of yours even sends you a short homemade “movie” he made of himself. That shocked her so much she’s already sent it to the FBI.

You spend almost 3 days not sleeping and puking into the drain in your garden so your kids won’t hear or smell. You don’t eat. You call your therapist and she tells you about emotional rape. You and this other woman decide that its time to tell his wife what he’s doing. NOT as revenge but — because it should have been done a long time ago. You had kept your husband from going to his wife before – now she should know what he’s doing.  Her family may be in danger.

You’re in deep shock. You can’t believe this is the same person you’ve known all this time. All the red flags come flooding back. You wonder if what he’s told you about his wife is even true, since he lied so outrageously about you. And you worry about his kids and what he’s doing locked in his home office online all the time.

YWL” finally calls you on the phone and tries to talk to you. He tries to lie more. He tries to keep you from telling his wife. He tells you you “mean too much to him” and he doesn’t “want to lose you out of his life.” He even tries to tell you he has “feelings” for you. You tell him how you feel; it pours out of your mouth like one long scream and you tell him you are going to make him stop hurting other people like his wife and even himself. He abruptly hangs up on you and you go puke out in your garden some more. You know he was lying. Trying to reel you back in. 

Why? Because a few days earlier, your friend he was planning the affair with, the one he supposedly loved? She lets you hear a conversation where he told her that he’d “NEVER LOVED YOU! NEVER!” and that you are a “scorned & obsessed woman.” You heard him say it.  Heard him. You tell your friend to please go be with him because you genuinely want him to be happy.  You have been saying NO to an affair and begging him to get counseling anyway. 

But your friend does a little investigating on her own and calls you back to tell you – he’s been lying to her too. Now you really need to tell his wife because destructive lying seems to be a way of life for him and you know he went through a 10 month unemployment where his wife was paying his bills for him.

So HE was the user and abuser in the marriage, not the wife. The wife deserves to know. You apologize, IN WRITING, to his poor wife the 3 times you need to send her everything and include your phone number – just in case.

When he finds out you told his wife, he threatens you. Threatens to help your now estranged husband, take your precious children away.

You know he’s lied to the wife about you and done major damage control.

But the threat sends you to your precinct’s domestic violence officer – who sends you to Computer Crimes. By the time you get to Computer Crimes its been over a week. You are barely sleeping. In the meantime this “old friend” has sent you AND your friend an apology. Together. Both of you. Like a bad chain letter.  (I posted it in another post on this site)

  • Mentions himself numerous times and admits NOTHING he did to you, your marriage or your friends. 
  • Takes no responsibility. 
  • Tries to play martyr and twist everything. 

And not only does he misspell your last name in a lewd manner, you are so deeply traumatized and all the feelings from your childhood of being abandoned and self-destructive surface. Your doctor puts you in the hospital over night for the non-stop vomiting and fainting. You leave after being treated, put on heavy sedatives. You go home to the children and angry estranged husband who blames you for everything. You feel like garbage. You somehow get to that appointment with Computer Crimes.  What was a personal shock becomes a virtual nuclear explosion. Your ‘old friend’s’ online activities are found in just a few minutes. What’s there?

  • - loads of porn, loads – some interactive (with corroborating credit cards)
  • - salicious, filth-laden postings about hookers he’s seen on his lunch hour – starting at least TWO YEARS before he even looked you up! These postings are detailed and objectifying. Some of the most disgusting things you have ever read. And some WORD FOR WORD things he said to you during cybersex.
  • - credit cards traced to phone sex lines and 1-900 lines going back going back at least four years (1999!) BEFORE he looked you up. (some where he tried to give a fake name but his credit card undoes that)  That “rough patch” he says he had in his marriage had been going on for FOUR YEARS prior to him looking you up!  Talk about MINIMIZING!

You tell them you’d asked him repeatedly if he’d ever seen a hooker and he told you no. Lie number one. Big lie.

The victim’s assistance officer takes you to the bathroom to puke some more. The detectives tell you this has added damning information to a small investigation on 2 local brothels that they are investigating. They probably won’t do much about him – small potatoes.  They tell you they can’t confirm or deny anything to anyone as this is all too sensitive.

6. The Narcissist In Love Pictures, Images and Photos

You leave and go home. New information in hand. You let ‘old friend‘ YWL know what you now know.

Then detectives call and tell you – YWL’s been ‘frantically cleaning his tracks.’ Majority of his postings suddenly “disappear” – confirming it WAS him in the first place.

His credit cards get ditched and new ones are gotten, they say.

The friend he was preying on tells you he’d dumped his cell phone.

The detectives laugh about him ‘destroying evidence.’ They show you how nothing ever dies on the internet.  They are already tracking everything. You feel sick.

The truth – when twisted by good liars, can always make an innocent person look bad – especially if the innocent person is honest and admits his mistakes.

Psychopaths just have what it takes to defraud and bilk others: they can be fast talkers, they can be charming, they can be self-assured and at ease in social situations; they are cool under pressure, unfazed by the possibility of being found out, and totally ruthless.

And even when they are exposed, they can carry on as if nothing has happened, often making their accusers the targets of accusations of being victimized by THEM.

…Psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful.

Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to be a “good wife.” She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to “try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him.” She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

The fact is, such a woman, with her fierce commitment to such a man, her dedication to being a proper wife, has allowed such fairy tales to distort her sense of reality. The reality is that she is doomed to a lifetime of abuse and disappointment until “death do us part.”

your lips move

PART TWO

Five months later another friend of yours, in the middle of a divorce (remember, the one who lives near him & blocked him after getting some lurid IMs from him?) – calls you. Guess who just put HER on his mailing list for his NEW BLOG!  

She tells you that he must have gotten access to your IM list because back when he was just starting on you, he IM’d her – out of the blue – said he was a friend of yours and then proceeded to post LEWD comments to her & she blocked him.  She did save the chat and sends it off to the Police as well. (BTW – YWL now accuses her of trying to HARASS him on your behalf later. Which she never did and WOULD never do! Always the martyr that YWL) The detectives are told.

Your email is watched. You destroy your computer and wait a few months to save up for a new one.

A few months after that, the moderator of an online support group you belong to tells you (since they have already ask for the ‘old friend’s’ IP, etc) that he’s coming frequently to the group. Reading all your posts. All your pain. All your distorted thoughts and agony. They make sure to give you proof. You install a hit counter on your blog even find him coming to your personal blog every Saturday night for weeks before you confront him online. Nothing happens. You become reclusive and don’t go out or make any new friends (JUST friends) online for a couple years.

A  tech friend tells you YWL “borrowed” the source code for your blog’s template.  He’s got proof but you let it slide.  It’s just silly at this point.  YWL had told you he’d NEVER have a blog and wanted his own server.  Now’s he’s got a blog, a new nickname – YidwithLid – and even a new identity – Sammy Benoit.  He NEVER took a break from the computer as he told you in his “apology.” He’s right back at it.

YWL and his wife get a buddy of theirs, a detective from their local precinct – to call and hassle you and threaten to arrest you.  They’ve given him SELECTIVE information.  The guy not only doesn’t know you’re disabled but he didn’t even know you were in the hospital three times – times when they accused you of stalking them!   Once you present him with the truth, he stops calling.

Time goes by, you’ve been in a clinic for the PTSD, come home and moved forward with your life.  One day you happen to be in this ‘old friend’s’ “online territory.” You have no idea he’s even there when you sign up but there you are.

He’s never called, never really apologized. Never made any attempt to put things right to you. You’ve been in counseling for PTSD and other issues now fairly intensively.

You’re on anxiety medication. You’ve gotten some of your ‘self’ back and are out of the marriage (estranged).

You feel at least strong enough to voice your opinions and do so online, thereby crossing into ‘his space.’ You try to maintain cordial distance. And because he feels you are in his “territory” he posts a very whitewashed version of what happened. Leaving out all the hookers & porn, etc that he’s sure he’s erased. (You will have to read it to see how he paints yours truly.)

The most stunning element of his story is he makes his luring and manipulating you into an online affair, destroying any goodwill that was left in your marriage - MORALLY EQUIVALENT to everything he’s done. He also doesn’t admit to anything but the online affair (which he now calls a ‘game’ in which supposedly ‘you participated knowing that it was just a game’) which would make anyone he’s smeared you to believe that it was MORALLY EQUIVALENT.

Suddenly YOU are the bad one. You are just as bad.

Wait!

  • You didn’t see hookers.
  • You weren’t using porn or phone sex.
  • You weren’t posting about your lunchtime frolics with hookers on a ‘review board.’
  • You didn’t have personal ads for having casual sex and swinger parties online since 2000.
  • You weren’t coming on to everyone you met online, or stealing off your friends’ buddy lists.

You had an online affair with someone you really cared about because he’d led you to believe that he cared very deeply for you in the SAME WAY and it was the ONLY SAFE WAY TO BE WITH HIM WITHOUT ANYONE GETTING HURT.

And you’d known him for years! You’d NEVER had cybersex before ever… believe me, never will again.

YWL lies to his ‘new’ friends under his ‘new’ identity about you. Incredible lies. Added in is the caveat, again, ‘not to speak to’ you about it because YOU ‘are the liar.’

You’re maligned in so many ways you lose count, as your friends tell you what he’s saying about you. He posts your IP online.  He sends threatening letters to others thinking they are you.

You try to ignore it. People you & he might both know? Are told not to speak to you, not to believe you or even post your comments on their websites.

He never admits his sex addiction.

You are blamed for ‘driving his mother to a heart attackthough you have no idea what that somehow was, or what was done.  You don’t even know her address or where she lives. No proof is offered other than HIS word.

You are blamed for things there was no physical way you could have done unless you can bilocate, be in 2 places at the same time, be invisible and fly. Your friends are blamed for doing things on your behalf. Things which you have NO IDEA and NO CONTROL over.

He says when he found out you are fat now he said he “couldn’t do this to his wife.”  Of course he had no problems ‘doing that to his wife’ with hookers, phone sex, etc. with anonymous women.  (goodness knows what germs he brought home!  Condoms don’t cover everything!)

This is MORALLY EQUIVALENT?

YOU REALIZE THE HORRIFYING FACTS:

The only, yes the ONLY reason this person even BOTHERED to look you and others up? Was because you had sex a couple times over 25 years ago, back in college.  The ONLY reason.

Since he was unemployed at the time he USED & PLAYED your emotions to make you brainwashed & bonded to him so you’d have sex with him again. Online and hopefully, OFFLINE. He couldn’t afford his hookers. He wanted his lunchtime fun back. He traded on his charisma and your feelings for him as well as you being TOO ABUSED & LONELY TO SEE WHAT HE WAS REALLY AFTER.  A freebie.

Twisted use of your friendship: Turns out ‘old friend’ had online postings out there AT LEAST 2 YEARS PRIOR TO GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOU for casual sex partners. Here’s just a couple of what’s out there (if he hasn’t found some way to try to delete them. He’s even trying to blame you for “planting them” – ROFL!!  And don’t worry, a number of parties have screen shots):

Eroticy.com/MySexetera/Profile/ViewProfile.asp?ID=282692

Eroticy.com/MySexetera/Profile/ViewProfile.asp?ID=221863

http://www.utopiaguide.com/forums/search.php?searchid=982634 

(UtopiaGuide confirmed to NYPD that YWL – his IP validated – removed all his posts.  However they, my attorney, my estranged husband’s attorney and my trauma counselors have validated, unaltered copies)

When those ads didn’t pan out, he went on the hunt and found YOU. So what was he LOOKING FOR? A freebie. Abused & lonely YOU. And played you like a fiddle. When your abusive husband found out you became a mere inconvenience – so he went to YOUR FRIENDS. Why not? You’d already done some great P.R. for him. You were his calling card. You — the supposedly ‘obsessed & lovesick’ woman. (sound familiar fellow survivors?)

How’s that for being USED?

That’s not even all! You realize he actually got PISSED AT YOU that your abusive husband hacked your blog and found out. He BLAMED you for that.

Then, he went to YOUR FRIENDS for his added sexual outlets. Trading on YOUR GOOD WORDS ABOUT HIM. But also, to hurt you. To hurt you for YOU being hacked!  For inconveniencing him.

YWL’s also FURIOUS that I, my attorney, my estranged husband, his attorney, the police in 3 counties and the FBI have VERIFIED COPIES OF ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHAT I HAD WITH HIM and his HOOKER POSTINGs and his CASUAL SEX  WANTED ADS… so he can lie, reformat his hard drive, change his online identity, dump his cell phone, get new laptops, revise history and scrub the net all he wants – the truth traces right back to him & his computer.

The ONLY reason he looked you up: was to turn you into a FREE WHORE for him.

The person you offered to help find marriage counseling for he & his wife or find help for his problems,

the person you’d wasted time and energy on,

the friend you’d poured your heart out too?

USED YOU LIKE A TISSUE AND FLUSHED YOU AWAY.

How dare you turn out to be a real person with feelings.

How dare you say ‘OUCH YOU HURT ME’

How dare you stand up about having your character shredded

How dare you intrude on his ‘reality’ and his story of being YOUR ‘victim.’

How dare you – tell the truth.

What happened to your friend? That’s really all you wanted. Your friend.  But he never existed.

What did you do to deserve being treated like this in the first place? Are you really that useless? That someone looked you up for the just sex – after 27 years? You were just free cybersex for this person. You weren’t worth a phone call, a hello, nothing.

However, you have been taking verbal & physical abuse BECAUSE of him. You are now on medication for trauma. You rarely leave your house. And yet, you meant NOTHING to him – not even worth an apology to your face. Just hate & attack – attack – attack.  And to this day – he has NOT GIVEN UP LYING ABOUT ME.

“Instead of repenting, they project”

You finally decide to turn the energy you have left after dealing with your disability and your beloved children to helping other women know that they are not alone and to help them on the path to healing from men like this.

This is long but the gory details and links are here on this site.

I only told my story to ONE OTHER SITE, at the requests of Mrs. Green,  in 2005 before I was forced to make this blog to keep the truth & facts out there as an answer to this predator’s revisionist history, projection, blame-shifting and spin.

 

4 Responses to “MORAL EQUIVALENCY”

  1. Jess Says:

    Holy moly.
    I had a friend like this. Abusive, manipulative, vile, backpeddling, pathetic and nasty once the fake outer layer of charm and extreme friendliness and loveliness had finally worn through. Uh I can’t bear to think about it. It’s like this person faked their entire personality. The violation is just so huge.
    Sadly, you are not alone.

  2. Samantha Says:

    Holy Hannah!

    I’m sorry to say you’re not alone. Not sorry because . . . I’m not sure how to express what I’m feeling here.

    You ARE someone, you ARE a person, you ARE worthy of love, respect, peace and so much more. Nothing? No, not hardly. You just happened to fall into the gravity well of abuse. I spent too many years there myself. While our stories differ, the parts that are the same, just wow. Ouch.

    Neither of us, NONE OF US, deserved anything like this. We did not cause it. We did not ask for it. We did nothing to deserve this.

    No, you’re not alone. I wish I didn’t understand how this all feels, wish I didn’t know from personal experience how easily this happens to us. I wish none of us had to live through any of this. I wish we all didn’t have to try and heal from something so horrific many people cannot even conceive of it being real. Yes, the violation is huge. For me it was the end of everything. Everything and Nothing.

    People don’t get it. I’m not even sure they can, which is where our healing journey becomes so much more complex. How can we get help and support if folks cannot even wrap their minds around it? If they won’t even try?

    I wrote something four years ago as I was dealing with my lawyer, police, doctors, therapists and of course my husband and his parents that you might be able to relate to is at: http://samstrip.blogspot.com/2005/08/warning-triggers.html

    It talks about two words, everything and nothing. Just be careful, because it might be triggery.

    No, you’re not alone, but I wish I was. I wish no one else ever had, or has to go through the kinds of things we have.

    You ARE someone, you ARE special and important.

    Sam

  3. documentarycharmed Says:

    I wish more people would expose these people for what they really are. Thanks for doing this.

  4. Rosa Says:

    I just read through this. I am six months out and away from the ex con man N and diagnosed sociopath. I of course did not know about this “diagnosis” until I was in deep and damaged too.

    I too was hospitalized. I too was blamed and likely am still being blamed to MY ex friends he managed to cull and then project all he did to me as what I’d done to him instead.

    I’m moving on but, the growth and healing is so slow. I had adrenal failure due to extreme stress. I still outted this person but, I never forget how dangerous he is.

    I am moving on with what I have left of my life a totally different person. I had no knowledge that these predators were really out there OR how they worked. The longer I’m out the more twisted I can see he really was. SO many things come to light when you are out. It’s nauseating to think on it too much so I look to my future as much as I can.

    But this marked me and not in a good way. I wouldn’t wish this hell on earth on anyone. Tell and YOU will be painted the evil one no matter what damage was done to you, no matter how horrible…they will successfully play victim while lining up their next prey.

    Making it out of this alive is quite the accomplishment since it does ruin your physical health along with the rest of your life. I too have PTSD, adrenal failure, thyroid problems, and depression. NONE of which I had before enduring this trauma.

    But I’m better than the hell I was in six months ago…and know you are too.

    Thank you for being brave enough posting your story. Others need to be made aware that the cyber world *where I met up with the sociopath* is a playground of prey for them. Learn the red flags and for godsakes run the other way if you sense even one of those red flags in your gut to be true.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 41 other followers